Vicki Dau (00:00)
He says What do you want for dinner? And when do you want it?
And I, in my head, I'm thinking, seriously? It's two hours out. You already know where we're going. Why do you need my order right now? So I said, okay, I want a classic chicken sandwich at five o-five. Because I thought, you know what? You're going to ask me this stupid question in my mind. I'm going to give you a stupid answer.
So five 0-five because I was like, this is ridiculous.
Vicki Dau (00:37)
Welcome to Re-Framing Life and Love, where Tom and Vicki guide you on a transformative journey through healing and connection. Together, we explore the profound effects of childhood sexual trauma on adult relationships and share practical tools to help you build a loving partnership. Two things. We do have a trigger warning.
This podcast discusses sensitive topics related to childhood sexual abuse and trauma. Listener discretion is advised. And we have a disclaimer. We want to remind you that we are not medical or mental health professionals. This podcast is based on our personal experiences and what has worked for us. While we aim to provide valuable insights and support,
We encourage you to seek professional advice for any specific mental health or relationship issues which you may have been facing. Now, here is our next episode.
Vicki Dau (01:47)
Welcome, Today's episode is about, we're actually going to share a recent episode or situation that came up with us and how we worked through it in a very short amount of time and kind of give you guys some insight on skill building and what maybe you can apply to your complex. And how women work and how men work. Yeah. Big time. Okay.
So it was a couple days ago. It was a Saturday and I said to her early on a Saturday. was no, was, it was in the middle of week because the kids stopped over and you went out to get dinner and you would not do that on a week. Seriously. So it was on this particular day and I mentioned early on three o'clock. I mentioned, no,
I mentioned early on, hey, I have a taste for particular Popeyes food, this food for dinner. I have a taste for that. And she responded with, okay, that'd be cool. That's how it started. Nice and neat and pretty, all good. We knew what we're gonna have for dinner. That was gonna be our dinner. And so then we went about our day. Right. And at three o'clock. I was in the garage working where a man should be.
He says to me, I invited her. no. I invited her out to the garage. So this is part of the story because this is important. Vicki was in the house working because this was a Saturday. This was in a Vicki was in the house working on our administrative stuff for our business. And I was in the garage working on stuff for our personal life. Organizing things in the garage because we were going to be doing we're going to be doing some major changes there. So I was out there working and got to a point where I needed her.
to come out and check something out to see if we were cool. And so I invited her out knowing that she was in the middle of her stuff, but I invited her, I said, hey, if you can, this would be a time. I got this done if you want to, if you can come out and take a look at it. And I left it open-ended. It was a text and I left it open-ended in that regard for her to say, yes, I will or no, I gotta wait or whatever. And then. And I would also like to preface something. Here it comes.
that it is not uncommon that he wants to know what we're doing for dinner like at 10 o'clock in the morning. So that is a thing for him. Stop with the face. This has nothing to do. No, it does because this is a pattern for you.
Okay. It is, it is something, I don't know, childhood, something, whatever he needs to know what he's having for dinner and when he's having it, it gives him a sense of security. but it doesn't matter because you agreed to it early on. is correct. But I want to preface this by saying he often needs to know what's going on for dinner. Like before lunch. That's a thing.
So having said that.
So I go out to the garage and I I looked you came out immediately Yes, I looked and I was like, this is great. Thank you for doing all this. I love it And he says to me at this was three o'clock. He says What do you want for dinner? And when do you want it?
And I, in my head, I'm thinking, seriously? It's two hours out. You already know where we're going. Why do you need my order right now? So I said, okay, I want a classic chicken sandwich at five o-five. Because I thought, you know what? You're going to ask me this stupid question in my mind. I'm going to give you a stupid answer.
So five 0-five because I was like, this is ridiculous. We're having our day. Just flow with it, man. And anyway, so then he's like, what, what are you getting all upset about? Why did you give me that stupid cocky answer? Pretty sure I didn't say any of that like that. Pretty sure all I said was miss exaggeration pants. Hey, what's with the five 0-five? Yeah.
And I said, you wanted an exact time? Get me my sandwich at five 0-five. And I went in the house. And so I was at the table and I was doing more computer work and I was pissed. I was like, you know what? This is ridiculous. Let up on the timing. And so I was mad and he came in and he wasn't talking to me and he I think he slammed a door , nope, just closed them. No, I think you did. Sure, closed securely.
And so after he closed securely a few doors and I thought I'm not eating with this sob He's gonna bring the sandwich home and I'm just gonna sit back here and let it get cold and that was my plan yummy and then So he left he didn't even talk to me anymore and he left and then You went to get the food. You just you got done and you just left
Cause you already know I said, are you still good for dinner tonight? Yes, you did. I'm You said, said, yes. Yep. Okay. So he said that. So then he went well then in the meantime, our kids came over a couple of them and I texted him because they looked like they were in a visiting mood. Sometimes that happens. They just stopped by and they're going to visit. So I texted him that they had stopped by. So he was prepared.
and he came home so we put on the happy faces and you know they probably were here an hour.
then after that it was it's like the Elevation of the incident had calmed way down wouldn't you agree? Yes, but we didn't talk about it at all Correct and so did we talk about it before we ate? No, no So then we did you did eat your side did I did eat my sandwich with him? We had a decent evening
But then the next morning, but I went to bed, didn't give her a kiss, said I'm going to bed. My normal time, which is kind of early, but it was a little earlier, maybe the normal. And I just said, Hey, I'm hitting it. And she said, okay. And I did. So that was, that was our, the end of our night. Yeah. So then I thought, okay, I want to resolve this woke up in the morning. get up super early.
I'm gone into my day hours before she gets up. Yeah. Swing it. Like he gets up at like three 30, four asked him to call me. That's how we know it was a weekday because I asked you to call me when he had a chance. Correct. Correct. So the next day was a work day as
So I texted him, can you please call me when you have a chance to talk? And so he called pretty quickly. And here's what went on in my mind. I know this man loves me.
I know.
He has a thing with food and dinner and timing. It's his thing.
I wanted him to know what went on in my head because that was the reason I answered the way I did. So when he called, I shared, said, I just wanted to let you know kind of why I responded the way I did. I felt like it was a ridiculous question two hours ahead of when we were going to eat. And I was just in the, was in a zone at the table when you texted me. And so
I just I didn't want to really be interrupted, but I you needed my input. And so then to also have the.
you know, have you say that it was something two hours ahead, it just made no sense to me. So I snapped. And I said I was sorry. And then I asked him, what was your intention? What was your thoughts behind your question to me? Because I'm going to tell what the other thing I also said. This is what I heard from you.
What's your food order and when do you want to eat? That's what I heard. Is that what you intended to ask? And then you responded. And that was my intention. But what drove the intention was this. On that previous day when all this took place, and like I said before, I knew that she was in the middle of a lot of administrative stuff, which is her gig, that is.
it, she fully puts her brain and person and everything into it. So when she's in it, she's in it. And I knew that. And when I when I asked her if she wanted to look at the thing, I knew that if she came out, I would be pulling her out of that. Right. And so I also knew that I wanted to get her back to what she was doing as quick as possible. And not have to bother her in my words, again, later with
plans for dinner. So when she came out at three o'clock, and understand where I'm coming from, I've been up at three o'clock, I've been up working for minimum 10 hours, I've already been up going. So I'm at that point. Yes, at three o'clock, I'm thinking what could potentially be the dinner hour because I'm starting to get hungry. And so I wanted to take care of two things at once. I wanted to know
if our dinner time was cool for five o'clock or what would be the time for her that would be best knowing that she was working on her stuff and also what her order was because then I was already with her in garage. She was gonna go back in. I was turning her loose to go back into what she was doing. I was gonna go back to what I was doing and I wouldn't have to interfere with what she was doing anymore if I got the answer I was looking for of, and I pretty much knew what I thought she wanted.
was what her order was going to be for dinner and what time we would eat so that I could plan how I was going to do things, move, take care of all of that, and not have to come in and ask her about it again later because I already brought her out of what she was working on to begin with. So I, if you want to say, I felt bad that I was doing that, pulling her out of that because I knew it wasn't optimum and also knowing I didn't want to have to do it again. So that's what happened on my end. That's what was driving all of that.
And I said to her on the next day when we're having this conversation, she asked me, I said to her, I'm doing this because I love you and care about you. And that's what drives this. That's what drives almost everything I do is my love and care for her and wanting her to be in as much of a pleasant space as possible. But I did say, and she brought up to me, none of that stuff that I just shared with you, did I bring up to her in the conversation that happened in the garage when she came out, when I asked about dinner and time.
what her order was and what the time was. I didn't say any of that stuff like, and what I could have done and what we decided in our phone call was, I easily could have said, and we'll work at doing this in the future because don't have a disagreement, fix it, and then not implement what you've learned in future events. So what I said to her on our call the next day was, my bad that I should have said, and we'll try to do this in the future, hey, I know I already pulled you, so this is what I could have said.
Hey, I know I already pulled you away from your work. I don't want to have to do it again later. It's getting kind of late for me. I'm hungry. Could I have your order now? And could you give me like a ballpark on when you think you might want to eat dinner so that I'm good with it and you can get back to what you're doing and I don't have to interfere with that later. And I didn't do any of that. So you see, you can see the difference. That's what he could do next time. So you got to see how the difference, how that whole thing would not have heated up.
and gone into an overnight thing, not that it was horrible, but why do it if you don't have to, right? We could have avoided all of that had I given her a little bit more background to my question prior to asking it. It would have taken 15 seconds and would have averted 18 hours of angst. Yeah, that's what we like to do after we have a disagreement or conflict or whatever you want to call it is we kind of rehash it and
We both try to communicate what we were trying to communicate and what we need to have. What was missing need to, you know, be heard or whatever it is. And then we try to say, so, cause this was the other thing that was said is for future reference, you're not bothering me when you interrupt me to get my dinner order. That's not a bother. So don't make that a thing because it's not.
And so I also gave him that information that he didn't really need to worry about this. But I did hear him when he was explaining all of the he didn't want to bother me. He didn't want to take me out of my zone and all that. And I honored him for that. But I also communicated. I told him none of that got communicated when you said, what's your dinner order and what time do you want it? Because that's all he said. Literally those two sentences.
but I didn't get the backstory behind the two sentences. if, if stories are very helpful when you can remember to do it, laying the groundwork, we call it true. True. So we just wanted to give you guys for this podcast episode, a little bit of, you know, we still have tiffs here and there, and that's how we resolve it is giving space because sometimes it's way easier to resolve the situation.
the next morning or later in the day when both of you have had time to cool down, there is a frame of thinking that says, you know, never let the sun set on your anger. Sometimes it's way easier to resolve something when you do let it set. That may work for some people and everyone's different. We know in our relationship that we both potentially need some time to digest, cool, whatever. And so
we are much more comfortable going to bed unresolved. If we haven't resolved something, we're not going to force it or stay up in our tired state or our angry state and force a conversation that is probably going to become much more heated before it gets better. When, because we know we do this and we know we're going to do the resolution. We always know it's going to come up the next day. I knew I was going to get a contact from her in the morning. And sometimes if I don't, if I haven't,
I was already or I may have already reached out to her about it, depending on what's going on. But we always talk about it real quick. But the we were not we're not fans of the we can't go to bed angry. Yeah, we can. We can sleep it off. can cool down. We can relax. We both do fall asleep. It doesn't keep us up. I will confess. I don't sleep as well when that does happen. However, it doesn't happen often. Right.
So that's why, and we know that we're going to work through it the next day. We're it's like a given. And we always do. Yeah. But we both think for us, we think clearer coming out, coming out of coming out of the sleep, getting into the morning a little bit. We don't wait till the next time I get home at five in the afternoon, we deal with it right away. And with my job, she can contact me and I can almost always call her back immediately and talk. So.
we're blessed in that regard, but then I also make that we know that it's going to resolve quickly the next day if we haven't already resolved it and we make that happen. Yeah. So we hope this little illustration of storytelling you guys and maybe put in the comments your greatest takeaway or if you have another question, maybe that came up as you're listening to what we're doing and how we do stuff, you know, put it.
question or your greatest takeaway in the comments. That would be great. And we would like to remind you to subscribe to our podcast and like this episode invite you to our website teamdau.com and get your exclusive offer of three things every committed couple must We have that there on right on the top of the website. So
Until next time, is Tom and Vicki embracing love, fostering hope. Let's try that again. Until next time. Until next time, this is Tom and Vicki embracing. I don't know it by heart yet. Embracing love, fostering hope. I did it
Until next time, this is Tom and Vicki. Embracing love, fostering hope.
Vicki Dau (19:23)
Thank you very much for joining us on this episode of Reframing Life and Love. We hope you found the inspiration and actionable insights to enhance your relationship. Don't forget to subscribe for more empowering discussions.
