Vicki Dau (00:06)
Welcome to Re-Framing Life and Love, where Tom and Vicki guide you on a transformative journey through healing and connection. Together, we explore the profound effects of childhood sexual trauma on adult relationships and share practical tools to help you build a loving partnership. Two things. We do have a trigger warning.
This podcast discusses sensitive topics related to childhood sexual abuse and trauma. Listener discretion is advised. And we have a disclaimer. We want to remind you that we are not medical or mental health professionals. This podcast is based on our personal experiences and what has worked for us. While we aim to provide valuable insights and support,
We encourage you to seek professional advice for any specific mental health or relationship issues which you may have been facing. Now, here is our next episode.
Vicki Dau (01:14)
Today's episode, we are going to interview Brinn Langdale, amazing human being and amazing story and just incredible insights that we cannot wait to share with you. A little bit about Brinn. After growing up in a loving yet chaotic and traumatizing household,
Brinn dealt with depression, anxiety, migraines, anger issues, self-harm and substance abuse, unhealthy relationships and eating disorders. But in college, after another drunken outburst she doesn't remember, it was clear that she needed help. Now, 15 years later, she spent her entire adult life healing her past and now supports others as a licensed psychotherapist, holistic coach, educator, speaker, writer and podcast host.
In her free time, Brinn loves visiting new places and turning strangers into friends,
Enjoy the interview.
Vicki Dau (02:23)
welcome, welcome, Brinn. We are so thrilled that you are here today. Let them know who we are. This is Tom and Vicki. Hello. The reframing life and love podcast. And our very first interview is with Brinn Langdale. And I have known Brinn, I'm guessing for over a year now. I am so impressed.
with you, with your age. I don't want to like diminish anything, but I could be your mother, you know. And I just, I'm so impressed with how you've chosen to live your life. Vicki and I were speaking last night in the living room and she was giving me some insights on you and your age and all. So was getting to know you last night through Vicki and all I can say is she was just
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (02:54)
Good.
Vicki Dau (03:14)
super impressed with everything about you and what you're doing and what you've been through and how you've come to be where you are and what you're trying to do with that moving forward. So congrats on all of that. You're a champ, obviously.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (03:25)
thank you. Thank you so much, Vicki. And thank you so much, Tom. I really, really appreciate that. And thank you so much for having me here. I'm so excited for you to be starting your podcast and getting your message out into the world and all the work that you both have done, like individually and together. It's really beautiful to watch. So thank you.
Vicki Dau (03:36)
Yeah.
Thanks. All right. I don't know if you want to maybe introduce yourself a little bit of if you want to tell a little bit of backstory or how you would like to do it or just kind of how your education came about or how you want to start with that.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (04:01)
Yeah, absolutely. So I can go ahead and share a little bit about myself. So presently I am a licensed
marriage family therapist, I work with individuals primarily dealing with trauma, PTSD, anxiety, depression, things like that. I tend to work with a younger demographic, so people in like, you know, young adult age. And the reason I work with young adults is because that's when I started to do my work.
And the reason I started to do my work at that time wasn't just because of a luxury, it was because I was having some major problems in my life. And what happened was growing up, I experienced all of, I experienced physical, emotional, and sexual abuse.
And I wasn't really aware of this, just like most of us who go through traumatic experiences when we're younger, we're not really exactly sure. We kind of think maybe it's normal or, you know, it's just kind of like this. And I had actually compartmentalized a lot of the sexual abuse. And it wasn't until I was 18 that, you know, somebody actually asked me directly, you know, they were like, hey, has your brother ever
you know, done anything to you? And the answer was yes. And he had for my, almost my entire childhood. So at 18 years old, you know, my life, my world, my family really exploded. It just, really brought upon a crisis to our family. My parents weren't really sure how to deal with it. And then pretty soon after that, a few months later, I went off to college.
And it was a very quick, was like ripping the bandaid off. kind of think of it as like kind of removing this veil from my eyes that I had seen. And it really shook me to my core and it shook the rest of us to the core too. And of course that was coming out sideways in all sorts of ways, all sorts of unhealthy and important skills. So as a teenager, I had a lot of depression.
Vicki Dau (06:11)
Okay.
Okay.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (06:17)
started using, you know, substances, alcohol, smoking weed at a very young age. I was, you know, in and out of relationships constantly. I was self-harming, had eating disorders, really just struggled a lot and always asked why, why was I like this? What's wrong with me? Am I just crazy? You know? And so when everything came out, it was kind of like, okay. Like.
Vicki Dau (06:38)
Yeah, sure.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (06:44)
It was starting to make sense, but I still wasn't in a place where I could deal with it. Because I had compartmentalized it for so long, it was still really fresh because it was like I had just found out. I myself had just found out. And I think that's what a lot of people can probably relate to is if you start recalling memories. Yeah, exactly. I think that's what happened to you, right, Vicki? You started recalling things later on.
Vicki Dau (07:04)
Yeah, the repressed memories thing and.
Yeah.
18 years into our marriage. Yeah. So like it was way older than you. Yeah. It was around 40 years old for her, but yeah, I can totally relate to the compartmentalizing and using the word nice is weird, but it's, it's, it's nice to hear that, confirmation of the repressed memories thing, because it, so many people don't believe it can even be a thing.
You know what I mean? And go ahead.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (07:40)
Yeah!
It definitely is a thing and I didn't completely block out all my memories. If somebody held a gun to my head and said, have you ever been abused by your brother? The answer would have been yes, absolutely. But for me, was more of a, I don't acknowledge that, I don't associate with that, I don't think about that, I don't reminisce on it, I don't have any.
Vicki Dau (07:49)
Okay.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (08:11)
connection to that type of our relationship outside of that part of our relationship because that went on for 12 years and In that 12 years I had to be his sister and I was his best friend and we were very close and hung out with each other's friends and we We did life together there wasn't any doubt. So it was this like it was almost like I lived two different lives is essential
Vicki Dau (08:38)
Yeah, do you mind me
asking what the age difference was?
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (08:43)
He's two and a half years older.
Vicki Dau (08:45)
Okay. So you would have similar friends, possibly that would be a thing because we have seven kids and there's, you know, a lot of them are have share friends. Yeah. Wow. So we get that. Wow. So isn't that interesting how you chose consciously to set it aside yet it was manifesting anyway, the symptoms, the symptoms.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (08:47)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
And I would say it was,
yes, and I don't know if it was a conscious decision to set it aside. I'm not sure if it was conscious or subconscious. But to me, just, didn't exist outside. know, what happens behind closed doors stays behind closed doors. And I didn't allow myself to even acknowledge it or think about it. I had had people ask me,
Vicki Dau (09:18)
okay. Okay.
Yeah.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (09:38)
had I had had abuse or something and no, the answer was no. But it really, really, really, if you had really dug deep, if it was really came down to it, I could have been honest. But I wasn't interested in being honest about that.
Vicki Dau (09:50)
Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. What was the game changer for you, Brinn, to get you on a different path?
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (09:57)
So that happened in college. In college, I was in a long-term relationship and I was the captain of a sports team. I was a very high, very competitive athlete and got good grades, double major. And I was getting blackout drunk, having emotional outbursts. I was being impulsive.
and angry and all this anger would come out when I would drink alcohol and it got to the point where my partner said to me he said you know unless this changes I'm out of here and I am so grateful for that because he had the courage to say that to me and then I had the courage to listen to it.
Vicki Dau (10:52)
Yeah, both times.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (10:53)
You know, so that
was a huge thing. Cause I could have just blown him off. I could have been like, screw you. I'm going to go find somebody else or whatever. But I knew that he cared about me so much. And that really was a huge turning point in my life was when he was able to say to me like, Hey, I can't do this anymore. Cause I recognize how much I was hurting him and how much I was hurting my friends too. Cause it wasn't just him. was, it was my friends. was my teammates. could, they could see something was going on.
Vicki Dau (10:58)
Yeah.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (11:22)
And so I enrolled myself in an eight day leadership program that had been recommended to me by a couple, by family members and by some family friends. And at 22 years old, I went through this leadership program that completely changed my life. And I am, it's an organization that is near and dear to my heart that I am still a part of today, 15 years later.
and I volunteer with them and I coach for them and this organization has completely shifted my life.
Vicki Dau (11:57)
Wow. And that was through the college you were attending at the time?
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (12:02)
No, this was, this is in Sacramento, California. And it's a program called the Authentic Leadership Center. And they have, they have a couple different programs. And this one was an eight day program. And you go in two different sessions, and you basically spend a lot of concerted time, long periods of time processing traumatic
Vicki Dau (12:10)
Okay.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (12:31)
old memories. And this is where I learned about my inner child. I learned about my inner critic. I learned about my adult self. I learned how to work with these different parts of myself. I learned to understand that what I was doing was I was my brain had been affected by the trauma. My nervous system had been affected by the trauma. I learned to
identify my feelings, I learned to communicate my feelings in a healthy way. I learned to really care for my inner child as if she were my own daughter. And giving myself that, well, know, yes, it was, I learned all of that there. And then it was through the repeated going back and repeated sessions.
Vicki Dau (13:09)
in eight days.
Okay, okay, okay. It was born out of that. Yeah.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (13:24)
But in that eight days, I absolutely learned all of those concepts. I learned a communication model. I learned about my feelings and I identified them on a regular basis. I did work directly with my inner child. I worked directly with my inner critic and I worked directly with these different parts of myself. And so that was very much happening in those eight days.
Vicki Dau (13:44)
That's amazing. Kudos to you for getting yourself into that. how, I mean, I feel like, so you were at a point of such anger outbursts and the person you were with at the time said, change it or I'm out of here. And you took the action. How is your life different now?
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (14:04)
You know, it's so interesting. In some ways, it is totally complete night and day opposite. And in some ways, I still see that little kid. I still see that little girl. She still comes out. And I am still on my healing journey. And I don't think that's ever going to change, not because it's a bad thing, not because I'm damaged forever, but because
this is my life journey and I get to do this healing work and I get to connect with my inner child every time she gets scared and I get to have conversations with my inner critic when he's beating me So this is a lifelong learning for me and what that program did is it really kicked off this healing journey and through that I then went
into more things like spiritual healing, sexual healing, nutritional healing, gut health healing. I really then did like a deep dive on all these different parts, not just emotionally, but all the different parts, know, physical, emotional, know, spiritual, all of that. And I literally have dedicated my entire adult life.
to not only my own healing, but then supporting others. And that is also another thing I took from this is because it was through that program that I learned how much I was passionate about this and how much I wanted to support other people on their journey too. And so I started coaching five years after doing it. So 26 years old, I was starting to coach and started my own coaching program.
Vicki Dau (15:36)
Okay.
Wow.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (15:52)
And then it was after that that I went back to grad school to get my official degree and license to become a licensed therapist.
Vicki Dau (16:03)
Two things that came to my mind as you were just speaking to your one point about how it's who you are moving forward now, but it's a different thing. And one of the big things we found is, and that we share with people is that we in our knowledge now of what we've been through, it's never going to disappear. But it also causes us to look at all parts of life now through a different lens than prior to this happening. in that lens,
is how we do everything, how we decision make, how we look at certain situations, how we look at relationships, potential, and current, all of those different things now. And we share that with people is you're still who you are, but how you move forward is going to be looking through a new set of eyes, a new lens. And that's a healthy thing because it allows you to be able to move forward in a positive way.
because you're stepping out of the muck and getting out of the river of it all and moving forward in that regard. And then the other thing is probably gonna slip out of my mind right now. But yeah, the lens thing definitely came right to my mind as you were mentioning moving forward on your end. And would you say that it gets, even though you're on a journey, we're all on a journey of it, it doesn't go away. It really doesn't. That it's easier?
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (17:29)
Yes.
Vicki Dau (17:30)
Yeah, okay. The reason I'm saying that is if there's somebody listening and they're like, my God, if it's this hard forever, like, no, it's not. I used to have times with Tom, we'd get into an argument. I could ignore him for days. She could and did. Yeah. And now it might, I don't ignore him ever anymore, but I...
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (17:48)
Thank
Vicki Dau (17:56)
I'm able to verbalize, okay, I need to talk to you about this, but give me 24 hours and then we'll talk. Or as soon as I calm down, I need you to know something and then we'll talk. So there's no more ignoring, there's no more game playing, it's just so different once you learn skills too, right? It sounds like you have tons of skills too.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (18:19)
Absolutely and also a big thing you can talk about especially in relationship dynamics I'm I've been in relationships my whole life and I have seen myself evolve through them and a big part that often happens is we get we can identify what our attachment styles are and You know, I I have a lot of anxious attachment
Vicki Dau (18:19)
It is also a big thing for our government.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (18:45)
which means I am very fearful of being abandoned. I have a lot of abandonment in my history and so I am afraid that anything I do, anything that the other person does means the relationship's over and there's just, there's no ifs, ands, or buts about it. This relationship is done and that causes a lot of anxiety and the way I used to handle that or not handle that is vastly different.
versus how I handle that today. And a huge part of it, the big crux of it all is soothing that inner child inside me because she's the one who's anxious. She is the one who's afraid she's gonna be left. She is the one who's afraid she's gonna be abandoned. So it's her, and so if it's her, then it is my responsibility to soothe her. It is not my partner's responsibility. Sure, they might be able to help me with that, but...
Vicki Dau (19:29)
Sure.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (19:42)
If I am in full blown and seeing red because I am making up stories in my head about what I think is gonna happen, I'm not gonna accept their help, they're not gonna wanna help me. But if I am able to kind of take some space or like give myself that soothing so then I can come back to the table with a little bit more of my adult self, then we can work on what we can do together.
Vicki Dau (19:54)
Yes, well, yeah.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (20:11)
But it really has taken me a long time to really work on that self-soothing in relationships. And of course, in relationships, that's where our stuff is gonna come up the most. We are going to get triggered the most when we are in romantic relationships. And that's because they feel most similar to our childhood relationships, and there's high risk. Yeah, they feel similar.
Vicki Dau (20:36)
I never made that connection.
Okay.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (20:39)
Mm-hmm, they feel similar to our childhood relationships and there's higher risk. We don't want them to end So therefore we are we're in this dire state of I have to hold on to this and then so the opposite you can also think about avoidant attachment Which is kind of the opposite of the anxious which is like I'm just gonna cut and run I'm not gonna deal with this. I don't want but the root is They're still anxious They're cutting and running
Vicki Dau (21:01)
Okay.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (21:07)
because they're anxious. They're afraid something bad is gonna happen if they stick around, so they're gonna cut and run. Whereas I am afraid something bad's gonna happen, so I want you to stay.
Either way, either way you land, it's a trauma response. Either way you land, it is your responsibility to work on soothing that anxiety, that inner child with inside you and then showing up to the relationship and working it out and navigating it with your partner.
Vicki Dau (21:40)
You've mentioned your inner child a lot and you've mentioned adult self. you want to maybe talk to you have like, do you have incorporated that like into your practice that those concepts, not just for your own health, but do you want to talk to maybe a little bit about that?
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (21:52)
I was trying to...
Yeah, 100%. So parts work is what I call it, parts of self, parts work. And parts work is the bread and butter. It's my foundation. It's the lens, speaking of lenses, it's the lens in which I view the world, I view relationships, I view myself. And it's also what I help my clients navigate in their own self. So I help people identify and befriend their inner critic. I help them soothe their inner child and then strengthen their adult self.
Vicki Dau (22:26)
Okay, repeat that again. Soothe the inner critic. No, soothe, befriend the inner critic.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (22:26)
And so.
Befriend the inner
critic, sue the inner child, and strengthen the adult. Yeah.
Vicki Dau (22:38)
Beautiful.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (22:44)
Yeah, so we all have these different parts of ourselves. We have these different voices in our heads that pop up and they tell us certain things. So the critic is going to tell you, you should be working harder. you shouldn't be this emotional. you should be over this by now. Right. you have to do this. You know, our critics are going to tell you, you're not good enough. You're not pretty enough. You're not smart enough. You're not, you know, fill in the blank. Right. And and recognizing
The reason that part even exists, if we go back to why does this part even exist in our brain, it is an evolutionary function to help us watch out for danger.
Vicki Dau (23:25)
Right. Yep. They love us and want to keep us safe. Yep.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (23:27)
Because
if you're, yeah, right, we want you, we're gonna tell you that you're not good enough, so you will be better. We're tell you you're not smart enough, so you'll work harder to get smarter. It's really a tough love, it's a tough love concept that doesn't actually work because it just makes us feel terrible about ourselves.
Vicki Dau (23:39)
Mmm.
Yeah,
right. So you have to befriend that person.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (23:52)
And so,
so you befriend that part of yourself by identifying why it exists, what it's trying to say, what its goals are, and then learn to work with it. And this part is actually can turn into a coach or like a cheerleader in a positive sense, as opposed to like the drill sergeant who's just trying to like break you down.
Vicki Dau (23:56)
Love that.
Yeah. Yeah.
Because the same strength exists in you in the form of that inner critic. So you get it to work with you in a new way. do people have, am I doing this right? Do people have maybe a stronger inner critic and a less strong, the younger child? Inner child. Inner child. Are there different levels or do they feed into each other or is each individual person have different?
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (24:25)
Exactly.
Vicki Dau (24:45)
higher than lowers of those parts of them.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (24:47)
Yeah, it's a great question. And you are totally on track here. So all of these parts work together. They are all talking at lightning speed in our brain. It's really hard to recognize them, which is why I help clients slow down and pick them apart and pick apart these thoughts and notice when you shift.
Vicki Dau (25:09)
Beautiful.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (25:13)
Right, because there's a different energy. Think about this. If I was like, you're not good enough. That sounds like a critic. That sounds like I'm shaming you, right? You're not good enough. But if I say, I'm not good enough, that is a different energy. That's the inner child.
Vicki Dau (25:36)
Right. Fascinating.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (25:37)
So the inner
trinket is often talking to the inner child and wagging its finger and shaming the inner child. And the inner child is like, I'm trying, I'm trying my hardest here to be good and to be healthy and to like not lose my temper. And I just don't know what to do anymore.
Vicki Dau (26:03)
Beautiful.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (26:03)
So
that's where we need an adult. Because the adult can come in and say, all right, critic, let's turn the volume down on you. Honey, inner child, I'm here to tell you it's okay. You're safe. I love you.
Vicki Dau (26:06)
Okay. all right.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (26:24)
You're gonna be okay. This isn't your job. This isn't your job to go to work. This isn't your job to be in this marriage. It's not your job to take care of these kids. I'm the adult. It is my job to do these things. I'm the adult. I'm gonna go to work. I'm gonna take care of these kids. I'm gonna be in this marriage.
And that's why strengthening the adult self is so vital to this combination. It's like, you can work with the inner child all day long, but you need a strong adult to really work with it. And then you can like understand the inner critic as much as you want, but you need the adult to step in. So that's why working with them all three together is so vital to healing.
Vicki Dau (26:50)
Okay, beautiful.
That's beautiful.
Amazing. Yeah, I was just going to ask about the adult part of it. And you answered the question before I asked that that's awesome how that that whole triplet of individuals works and how it's important to give them all their acknowledgement, but also understand how they fit with each other to be able to move forward with a life that is healthy and happy and
because we know it can be happy. We're there and you confirmed that and now you've shown in what you're sharing with us how that can actually happen, which is exciting for people to hear. The thing that's so hard about being in this help, this mentoring place that we're in and you may experience it too is seeing people in situations and.
wanting them to understand that if they work on themselves, so much good can come out of it. But how hard it is to get people sometimes to understand that they have to work on themselves and you can't you can't yell at them and get them to do it, you know, so that's, that's one of my biggest struggles is seeing the pain because we've been through it. And out of it enough to know that self because so much of our relationship was just Vicki working on herself because that's how all this came to be. But then
into her healing, we got to a point where she said, Hey, okay, time out. We've been working on me. I've been working on me for a long time, but Tom, you got some shit, you know, that, maybe we ought to kind of look at a little bit and, and, this one's not on me, babe. think this one's on you. And as, and as, and, and I respected that from her, which is important, right? So as I respected her saying that I was able to look in on myself and say, yeah, well, okay. So I wasn't sexually abused.
like you were, but boy, I got a whole bunch of crap going on in my life because I'm an adopted person. I've met that family. I've had dealings with that family for eons. We have dealing with my own dictatorship father, you know, growing up. So I have, I have my whole fun basket of stuff I had to be able to get to dig into and, and, and, and make me a better person because I'm a firm believer that I can't, I can't be as good as I want to be for Vicki or anyone else. If I'm not
good with me first and I'm sure you, well, what you're sharing with what you do with people is absolutely the self work that needs to be done so that when I'm at my best, I can be my best for Vicki, for our kids, for our friends, our neighbors, our clientele, all of those things. and people think that's, so many people think that's selfish way of thinking to be.
selfish in regards to, I gotta be able to take care of me and make sure I'm healthy and good before I can fully work with other people and be the best husband, father, et cetera, right?
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (30:07)
Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, I want to say thank you. Thank you for doing that work. And thank you for having that mindset, you know, because not everybody can do that. Not everybody chooses to do that. Everybody can do it, but not everybody chooses to do it. And you honestly, if we look at it through the model, these parts of self model, you had to have your adult
Vicki Dau (30:13)
Yeah.
Thanks.
Right, good. Yep, right, right.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (30:36)
present enough to have that realization of like, okay, this one's on me. And a lot of people come from their inner child or their critic and their critic is saying, no, this is all you. I have no issue here. Or their inner child is saying, I'm avoiding that. I don't wanna go near it. That's too much for me. No, I'm gonna deny, deny, deny, deny, which is your inner child.
Vicki Dau (30:59)
And that, and does that, is it fair to say that leads into in that unhealthy state, a persona of victimhood, which is so difficult to deal with with folks that put themselves in a victimhood because they like being in that place.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (31:20)
Yeah, know, there's, people are victims, period, right? People are victims, they have been victimized, and I also believe that you don't have to stay there. so I think, yeah, acknowledging that both are true, and there is a point where we need to accept that we're victims on some level, right? There's like, there's kind of this like,
Vicki Dau (31:33)
Right. 100%. Not a healthy place.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (31:46)
arc trajectory of healing, where sometimes I get a lot of people who come into my office and they say like, I had a great childhood. And it's kind of like, okay, well, I'm not here to discount that, but I need you to get out of denial and admit that you actually were a victim before we can actually do any of the deep work. But then once you admit it, we're not going to stay there.
Vicki Dau (32:09)
wow, so you gotta bring them into it.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (32:15)
But we need also to have that acceptance, acceptance of the reality of the situation that bad things did happen. think it's really important validating, witnessing them, hearing them, all of that is super important. And we're not going to stay there. We are going to move out of that. But we also do need that first step of the journey.
Vicki Dau (32:15)
Okay. Right.
Yeah.
Yep.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, we call that honor your wounding is, you know, that same idea of honoring the pain of victimization, you cannot live there. not going to live there. Right. Yeah. Awesome. Amazing. I feel like we're so in sync with our thinking and the way we've gone about it. Have you are you saying with her? Yeah, I was just thinking the exact same thing. That's why married.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (32:42)
Mmm, I love that.
Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.
No.
Well you guys are insane too!
Vicki Dau (33:08)
Yeah, it's, it's, yeah, yeah. would you
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (33:12)
I think most
people who have gone down the healing path are in sync with each other because there is a natural trajectory to it. And then along that path, you kind of go about it in different ways. So maybe the details are different, but the overall overarching themes and pictures I think is pretty similar. A lot of it comes down to self accountability.
Vicki Dau (33:33)
Okay.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (33:37)
This is my experience. This is the reality of the situation and now what I want to do.
Vicki Dau (33:43)
Yeah, and you support people in that.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (33:47)
Absolutely 100%.
Vicki Dau (33:47)
Yeah.
What would you say? This one, I just wrote this question down. So what would you love for people to know? Is there one thing that maybe would encapsulate something of somebody either starting their journey or, you know, pretty new into it or new into it? Yeah. What would you want them to know?
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (34:18)
I want them to know that healing is possible and that living the life that they want is within reach.
Vicki Dau (34:20)
Okay, beautiful.
That's what we do. What's your answer? My answer is the work is worth it and it gets way easier because I think we're wired to most of us to be in relationship. And if you find what we have found, the clients that we work with, they're actually in there, they're with.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (34:29)
Yeah.
Definitely.
Vicki Dau (34:56)
If I take the angle that the women have found a man that loves them.
but she might be doing finger pointing, like you're triggering me, you're doing that, you're doing this. And that's why we did our card decks. It's on our website if you want to check out our store, but there's a card, a digital card deck guide, a guide for husbands, survivor guide for husbands on how they can support us. But it's not about them dancing around us.
That's why I wanted to author mine, because it's so important that we communicate with them on how to best help us. And we're doing our healing work. Because that's kind of what I found a little bit is it was like, okay, I want you to be helping me. Okay, then you need to help yourself as well. And so that was really important for me. And giving them the hope that my gosh,
what used to be, you know, we had a season of it being really bad.
Of me laying in bed wishing one of us would die. It was just, I didn't want to talk to him anymore. I didn't want to deal with this anymore. Divorce was really not an option financially. I mean, seriously. that wasn't, and that wasn't a, don't like Tom thing. It was a, this is just so hard with two of us. It would be easier at this point in time if just one of us wasn't here anymore. And I sometimes that's what I want to bring encouragement.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (36:27)
Yeah.
Vicki Dau (36:33)
and I also hear it with you, is do you really want to be alone? Do you really? You know, to know that, whoops, to know that he always has my back, always, I have somebody in my corner all the time, to know that he's not good, that he's not gonna leave. No matter what, he's not gonna leave, cause that's.
One of the things that we kind of talk about, which would address what you had brought up about yours is your situation is as long as the relationship is not abusive, that you guys make a commitment to stick it out and figure it out. That it's not if you're gonna figure it out, but how. And we've talked to a lot, a lot of young couples. And when they make that shift in mentality,
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (37:14)
Mm-hmm.
Vicki Dau (37:26)
The possibilities of how to solve a problem increase exponentially. If it's like, it's not if, but how, and what are the possibilities that we can, how we can figure this out. It just blows the doors wide open. And I have the assurance that he's still here. And it takes away a fear of, my God, if I blew up at him one more time, he's out the door. know it. You know, like I can, not that it's okay.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (37:45)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Vicki Dau (37:55)
but I can let things go like when it was real bad. then all of a sudden, I made the decision, you know what? This is a good man. I need to tell him things. I need to tell him, even if I don't feel like it, I need to tell him certain things aren't his fault. Because what we found, the husbands are walking on eggshells because they don't know what they're going to do or what they're going to say that is going to set us off.
And so if we don't tell them that we're upset by something that has nothing to do with them, they don't know. And so it's, it's, it's really amazing how far we've come. We look at each other. He just said it last night. I love doing life with you. I love doing life. And that's the possibilities of what we want people to know. And I feel like.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (38:32)
Yeah.
Hmm.
Vicki Dau (38:51)
the tools and the work and the perspective that you offer is so helpful in that as well.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (39:01)
Hmm. Yeah, thank you. I see a lot of similarities, like you said, with like, our work being similar and aligned. And so I see through the lens of the parts work. And so when you say, we have young couples kind of shift from the like, kind of, it sounds like maybe like a, instead of thinking of like, this is a me versus you problem, this is like an us versus the problem, right?
Vicki Dau (39:02)
amazing.
Yeah.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (39:30)
And
so when I hear that, hear like, you switched into that adult mode of there are endless possibilities of how we're going to work this out. Because adults or children, inner children, don't see solutions. They don't see the wide variety of solutions that exist. They think we're either going to break up or we're going to die together. And that is it. Right? And so there's no other option. And so
Vicki Dau (39:49)
Wow.
Okay.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (39:59)
we're either gonna be happy or broken up and there's nothing in the middle, right? And so by being able to make that shift into the adult mindset of like, there are so many solutions, there are so many ways that we can make this work, how can we make this happen? You work on you, I work on me, we work on we, you know, like whatever it is. So that really speaks to this idea of like, it sounds like you're helping people bring up their...
strengthen their adults also.
Vicki Dau (40:30)
Yeah. Interesting. Okay. I never thought of it like that. I love that. I noticed on your web.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (40:34)
I can contribute
everything back to parts work, by the way.
Vicki Dau (40:40)
Yeah,
I love that. And actually, it's almost does it simplify it a bit? If you just kind of know how to bring it back. You're using the same concepts, the same processes, you know, of that. And okay, let me see if I got it right.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (40:47)
Yes.
Vicki Dau (41:02)
re befriending the inner critic, soothing the inner child and building up the adult self. that right? Strengthening. Okay.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (41:12)
Strengthening. Mm-hmm.
Befriend, soothe, and strengthen.
Vicki Dau (41:19)
I love that. I also noticed on your website that you have a free travelers guide to the journey of healing. Can you talk a little bit about that?
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (41:21)
Cheers!
Yes.
Yeah, it's a travel guide to your healing journey. And it is a series of videos and a 20 page ebook. You get both of them. And it's set up just like a travel guide. So you start with, you know, where do you want to go? And where? What do want to pack? What do you want to bring with you? What do you want to leave behind? then it goes through the different major
sightseeing stops that you're going to see along the way and it tells you different cautions to watch out for. So it's just fun. Yeah, I love to travel. I'm a big traveler. I actually did van life. I did van life with my partner for a year. And yeah, so
Vicki Dau (42:05)
You are brilliant.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (42:16)
Traveling is a huge part of my life and I just thought, you know, we always talk about the healing as a journey. So, you know, I thought it would be a fun way to talk about healing. I find that, you know, the topic of healing can be really heavy, especially, you know, when we talk about our trauma and our past and it can be really heavy. So I like to bring some just levity and lightness to such a heavy topic.
Vicki Dau (42:22)
Yeah.
Love that.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (42:42)
So yeah, so that is free and available on my website at brinnlangdale.com. And then I also have, I do monthly workshops that are also free and open to anybody. And they're all on parts work. So, you know, last month was befriending your inner critic. This month is soothing your inner child. The fall in December, it's going to be strengthen your adult. And then all of next year is all brand new topics as well. And so you can also find that information.
Vicki Dau (42:56)
Okay.
Love it.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (43:12)
on my website at Brinnlangdale.com.
Vicki Dau (43:12)
And we'll put the link to your website
in our show notes. We'll put the link to your website in it. So people can go check that out. What a gift you are. my gosh. Amazing. What a gift. Seriously. And it's also a gift for me because I feel, I see how, and she mentioned it, mentioned it, how even though we're coming from different places and different angles, we're still on the same path of what we're doing as
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (43:16)
Perfect. Perfect.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Vicki Dau (43:42)
us as mentors and hers as in her occupation. it makes me feel good that it's always nice to be confirmed that what you're doing is on the right path, And so that was so thank you for that. That's that's very
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (43:57)
It sounds like you both are making a huge impact and I love the demographic that you're working with because I know for me, I started my healing journey so I could be a better partner.
And for me, is the consistent motivation that has kept me on this healing journey. And I know it sounds weird and I feel like a lot of people don't always talk about that. Or they're like, you should heal for yourself, heal for yourself. And I'm like, yeah, but I'm relating to all these people, whether it's a romantic relationship or a friendship or my family. How I show up in relationships is why I want to be a better person, is so I can have better relationships.
such a relationship person and people mean a lot to me and so to me that's my motivation is how can I be a better other person to to whatever relationship I'm in so thank you for the work that you're doing because you know I wish I honestly wish more people were motivated to be better in their relationships because it would lead to a lot more healing
Vicki Dau (44:57)
That's incredible.
Right.
Well, yeah. If it's long term relationship, who wants to bounce in and out of stuff too? You know, and it, it, it's a good mirror when you're in a relationship, you know, that you get to see that's a whole other topic to not get into. But, anyway, so we are so grateful of the gift of your time.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (45:24)
Thank
Vicki Dau (45:38)
And we'll for sure put your link in the show notes and the workshop that you have coming up. And is there anything else that you'd like to share or say to end with?
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (45:50)
You know, I just want to say that anybody, like you said, like is starting out or, you know, thinks it's so hard and it is. It is a challenging journey. And I really like what you said, which is it is so worth it. And just encouraging people to keep going.
You know, I've hit different points in my life where I'm like, okay, I'm out of the woods, you know, and like, it feels so much better to be on this side of things. And that doesn't mean that life isn't going to come at you. It doesn't mean that life isn't gonna throw things at you, but you are going to be able to handle it so much better when it does.
Vicki Dau (46:19)
That's right.
Life's gonna come at ya like, yeah, life's gonna come at you no matter what. you want to be able to handle it and call it a situation instead of a problem? Or do you want to, you know, just be knocked over by it all the time? So, you know, yeah. Well, thank you, Brinn. Thank you for being here. We are so blessed by your presence. outstanding. Appreciate you.
Brinn Langdale, LMFT (46:44)
Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, thank you so much. I really appreciate this.
Thank you. And it was
really great to hear more about both of your work and to meet you, Tom. I've heard a lot about you from Vicki, and so it was nice to put a face to the name and have a really good conversation.
Vicki Dau (47:02)
Thank you.
Appreciate it. Thank you so
Vicki Dau (47:14)
Thank you very much for joining us on this episode of Reframing Life and Love. We hope you found the inspiration and actionable insights to enhance your relationship. Don't forget to subscribe for more empowering discussions.
