Vicki Dau (00:00)
How much training do you get for your career? If depending on what career you went in, you know, did you get four years of schooling, six years of schooling, eight years of schooling, or how much on the job training did you get? How much did you get for your relationship?
How much for your marriage or your? Probably that. So we're gonna offer you eight hours.
Vicki Dau (00:24)
Welcome to Reframing Life and Love, where Tom and Vicki guide you on a transformative journey through healing and connection. Together we explore the profound effects of childhood sexual trauma on adult relationships and share practical tools to help you build a loving partnership. Two things, we do have a trigger warning. This podcast discusses sensitive topics related to childhood sexual abuse and trauma. Listener discretion is advised.
And we have a disclaimer. Before we begin, we want to remind you that we are not medical or mental health professionals. This podcast is based on our personal experiences and what has worked for us. While we aim to provide valuable insights and support, we encourage you to seek professional advice for any specific mental health or relationship issues which you may be facing.
Vicki Dau (01:18)
Hey, hey. Hey there. We are thrilled to be back with another episode for our podcast. Yep. And we wanted to talk today about how important communication is no matter how long you've been married. And we've been married almost 38 years. Usually it's the woman who remembers. And we wanted to just share a little thing that happened to us just like- That's actually a pretty big thing. Could have been. True. Could have been. But it's a really-
fascinating when we got through with it, which we're going to share with you. That was like, wow, we need to share this. It's a perfect illustration of how important communication is because we all come at our relationship with our own stuff going on in our head. And number one, we need to be aware of that, which we teach about and we're going to share with you later. And then number two, to be encouraged to continue your conversation with each other.
So what happened is we've just redone our upstairs of our home and it looks amazing. Our sons and Tom worked on it and TeamDau Home Repair did some great work on it. It looks amazing. We got a brand new bathtub. And so I was gonna take a bath for the first time. In the brand new bathroom. Yes. And so I had texted him that said, and I just said,
It, I had, I, something about I took my first bath or something. And he's like, how did it go? Well, it did not go well. Okay. So it has this little thing on the bathtub, like, on sides of the inside where when you let it sit down, you have it like, you can rest your arms on it. Yeah. And so I thought it was wider than it was. And I thought I could like lean on it as I went down into the bathtub.
Well, my hand slipped and I fell into the tub and I took the shower curtain with me and kind of landed on top of me. And then we have these things stuck to the wall right above my head where I was metal racks that had our shampoo and conditioner in them. And I'm laying there and all of a sudden I kind of hear the sound of like the adhesive pulling away.
And all of a sudden the whole thing came down. I was able to kind of go like this, but it still hit the corner of my head. So I sat there like pushing on my head for a while. So then- we were not together. We were, I was out working. She was home. So she texted me this. And I just said, it didn't go well. And I told him both things that happened. And I want to, I want to read verbatim what his text was because this was pivotal. How my internal-
Stuff went on and his internal stuff went on immediately. he's, I said, my text was not a great experience. And he said, well, that sucks. I don't even feel like coming home. So what I heard in my head was, Vicki, you're a drag, you're a downer. I'm tired of your, of everything going wrong for you. I don't want to be around you anymore. That's what I,
read into that because he's never really said anything like that before. I don't even feel like coming home. What? So I was like, wow, okay. So then I sent a text back that said, okay, well, how did I say that? Don't want to be around me, huh? Well, have a good day. Sorry, I'm not a ray of sunshine for you. That's what I sent back. And I was gonna shut my phone While I'm driving my van.
I was gonna shut my phone off. So for me, that's what I felt is I'm not a rare sunshine. He's 90 % of the time in a bouncy mood, joking, laughing. And I'm more either here every once in I'm up here, but I'm mostly just here. And I thought, wow, you just don't wanna be around me anymore. Okay. Well, then I happened to see, you know how like when you get a text it like flashes.
I saw something that he sent and his was, it's all my fault. And I was like, my God, that never even occurred to me that he would even think that it was his fault. It had nothing to do with him. It's because I misjudged something and it was an accident that the bottles fell on my head. And then he sent me a text that said, do you think the curtain rod hit the
baskets and I was like wow that never occurred to me I bet that's what happened so anyway in his mind yeah but I don't think that's the way it exactly happened I think we talked about that later I think at that point because you were I sent the text and you were ready and I called and you didn't pick up I never saw that you called okay so there's more to the story I called I never saw it after she said don't want to be my ray of sunshine or whatever I called her she didn't pick up
I had my phone on silent still. And you told me that you were going to potentially just shut your phone off because you didn't want to deal with me. That's where in the situation, right? Yeah. That's where. So that's where it went. So my backstory is when I heard what happened, you have to understand. So I know I'm good looking, but I'm better when I'm blurry. There it is. Yeah. So the bad my backstory is this bathroom and upstairs are our first floor. Well, first floor and basement are our.
Our renovation has been 25 years in the making. Finally, I just was able to pull it off with my boys and we got it done.
My person does everything for Vicki. It was a redo for us in making our perfect place, which I agree we're doing. But most of my drive is getting this right for my best friend. And the one thing that was stood out for me in the whole thing was she's finally getting a new, deeper bathtub so she can take a bath when she wants. Because the old one was original to the house.
probably 70 years old cast iron, not very shallow. can't, can't, you don't get wet in it. So she could never really take a bath. So when I heard she was gonna take a bath, that for me was something that only she would gain benefit from because I don't do that. I don't take a bath, I just shower. I don't, I would never do that. But for her, that could be a real thing. Some essential oils, epsom salts, get in there and do it. And when I heard, so it was a big deal for me.
that the bathtub, the one thing that was solely for her, failed. So for me, knee-jerk at the moment of the texting coming through and the information coming from her was the whole thing's a failure. The living room, the whole first floor, everything we did, all that's a failure because the bathtub experience, number one, was crap. And so I felt horrible because it didn't work out.
the way I had hoped it would first time in for her. And actually when I saw her first text it said, I believe it was, well, I took my first bath today. And my first text back to her was well, dot, dot, dot, dot. But I knew the fact that she said, well, I took my first bath today. It didn't say, man, I took my first bath and it was all, I knew something didn't go well. Didn't have any idea it was as bad as it was.
But that was what happened. so…
Then, the story, what Vicki shared was, she then decided to...
let us jump on a call, because I wasn't home. And she said, you can call. I believe you said you can call. And I immediately called. And for you guys to understand two big deals right there, A, she decided not to shut her phone off. She left the door open to have this thing work out because she saw that I wasn't.
not wanting to be with her. There was something else going on with me in this whole situation. So she allowed herself to take in more of the information and see that maybe there was something that could make some clarity here for us because who really truly wants to be in angst with each other for hours or overnight or a couple days or whatever it ends up being, right? And part of the difference in this whole situation is I never once, which is new for me,
not new new, but good for me, a good growth was I didn't blame him for anything. he didn't put the shower curtain upright. those, you know, baskets that were stuck to the wall didn't work right. It's all his fault. I took full responsibility for my clumsiness or misreading and didn't blame him. One Iota never even occurred to me, never even occurred to me. So when he and then so he he takes
the little incidences and then blows it up and says, okay, the whole thing sucked. that's like opposite almost of how we operate. So we got on the phone and he clarified that you gotta understand Vicki, what he just explained to you guys, how I did this all for you and for not to work, I'm brokenhearted about this. And I said, Tom,
wasn't even had anything to do with you. don't, it's nothing. And that whole conversation, we talked longer, but that whole part of it probably took two minutes. Yeah. But, ugh, why we're talking about this now is it is so easy that she could have just said, nope, not answering his call, then I would have been, she's not answering my call. I'm not calling her back later when she wants to text me or talk. I'll maybe come home late. I mean, you can do a thousand things to throw some mud at the other person, right?
And that's what this is about. We didn't do that. Well, and it's a huge illustration for you guys that how connected that we are, how we each could take one sentence. Well, I don't even want to come home now. We could each have totally different backstories on what that means of why he doesn't want to come home, especially when it was text and we weren't just talking because the conversation couldn't.
couldn't continue on if we were in person, but we weren't. So that just shows how technology can also play negative into it. Yeah. The reason we're bringing this up is we have an amazing opportunity to offer you guys. We are starting back up our communication and connection workshops. Yes. We have ran these for over 10 years and worked with over 200 couples, mostly
committed, well, they're all committed, committed couples. Most of them were getting married or very newly married. And so we would like to extend to you or pass the word on. I'm going to put the link in the show notes right at the top of how to get to the website, our website about it, that this communication and connection workshop, it is the perfect opportunity for you guys to
be schooled in communication, enhancing, you may already have good communication. It's gonna just enhance it. Conflict resolution, deepen spirituality and also increase intimacy. It lasts for about eight hours, seven and a half to eight hours on a Saturday. And on the webpage has- It's Zoom.
We hold it over Zoom, so distance We've done a lot of them in person to begin with, just because of the situation we were in, which was awesome. And then it went to Zoom and it was even better because then there were no geographic barriers and we could still do what we needed to do with it and have great success. And it really was. It was. We tweaked it every time. We took feedback, we tweaked, tweaked, tweaked. And we got to the point where nobody had any more suggestions on how we could make it better. And so even amidst like...
whether you're planning a wedding or whether this is like your forever relationship, to invest in it, to build that solid foundation for each other, to eliminate problems down the road or to equip you. Our goal is to kind of give you this toolbox. Team Dau Home Repair, we give you toolboxes. But we want to fill your toolbox with all these tools that
can help you get through things faster, know how to handle a certain situation. Keep fire from blazing up. that's good. Yeah. We don't even let it get there anymore. Think about this. How much training do you get for your career? If depending on what career you went in, you know, did you get four years of schooling, six years of schooling, eight years of schooling, or how much on the job training did you get? How much did you get for your relationship?
How much for your marriage or your? Probably that. So we're gonna offer you eight hours. Yep. Okay. Phenomenal. We also have, if money's a little tight right now, depending on where you are in your circumstances, we have a very generous benefactor who is invested in relationships and helping equip you guys. And there's an opportunity for you to get a $200 off scholarship, off the price. And all that information will be on the link, right? It'll be on the webpage right at the bottom.
so we invite you to our next one, reserve your spot for this life changing workshop so that you can implement the tools that we implemented to have our misinterpretation a possible, and we talk about tons and tons of different things. but in the two comments we get is that,
how amazing it was and how fast the time went. So the one thing we ask is that you don't have like any kids around during that time. So if you already have kids, you know, if you could have somebody watch them or you guys go to a private place where the kids won't be and that they're safe and that you guys can focus. Just give yourself this one time investment to totally equip you with some awesome new stuff.
So we hope to see you at our next workshop. Check out the information, pass it on to other people. And until next time, this is Tom and Vicki embracing love, fostering hope.
Vicki Dau (16:06)
Thank you very much for joining us on this episode of Reframing Life and Love. We hope you found the inspiration and actionable insights to enhance your relationship. Don't forget to subscribe for more empowering discussions. Until next time, this is Tom and Vicki. Embracing love, fostering hope.
