Vicki Dau (00:06)
Welcome to Re-Framing Life and Love, where Tom and Vicki guide you on a transformative journey through healing and connection. Together, we explore the profound effects of childhood sexual trauma on adult relationships and share practical tools to help you build a loving partnership. Two things. We do have a trigger warning.
This podcast discusses sensitive topics related to childhood sexual abuse and trauma. Listener discretion is advised. And we have a disclaimer. We want to remind you that we are not medical or mental health professionals. This podcast is based on our personal experiences and what has worked for us. While we aim to provide valuable insights and support,
We encourage you to seek professional advice for any specific mental health or relationship issues which you may have been facing. Now, here is our next episode.
Vicki Dau (01:14)
Hey there. Hi. We are here to talk about Mother's Day. So the world's view of Mother's Day is that every mother was a perfect mother or not necessarily a perfect mother, but she tried her hardest and everybody lives in a happy, healthy home. And so we need to honor her and
honor her. so now let's put on the lens. We have to look through a new set of eyes, a new lens. For a sexual abuse survivor or a trauma survivor.
If you're still dealing with a lot of that trauma now, it probably means that there was some in your home and chances are your mother was involved or her lack of involvement could have caused trauma. And so we want to talk about Mother's Day through the lens and what that's like for people because it's not all perfume and roses. It's
really challenging. So we're going to talk about three levels of it. One is us with our mothers. The next one is us as mothers, if you are. And the other one is our children as mothers then. So kind of three levels. And number four is the mother-in-law. Just saying. Yeah. I have to deal with this also. I have to deal with this not only with my mom.
whatever that means, but with your mom. True. So, true. So, got stuff to say. Do you want to go first? No, but watch that light. It's giving you cool round eyeballs when you do your glasses proper. Look up a little bit. No, have to see just be cautious of that. That's all. Okay. so you, depending on what your circumstances are, you may have been raised in a home where you were actually
emotionally, physically, sexually abused by your mother. That's a thing. Or
The lack of involvement of your mother may have caused trauma. She didn't take care of you. You told her what happened and she didn't follow through and didn't take care of you. So those are things that are part of our lives and
The irony of it is, you had any faith growing up, or not faith, if you had any religion growing up, the third commandment is honor your father, third or fourth, third? Third, no. Fourth. Fourth. Third or all about God. Fourth. Fourth. Is honor your father and mother. And isn't that interesting that that's a commandment and the word is honor your father and mother. And I've been to confession about this.
multiple times as a Catholic and
what has been told to me has been perhaps praying for your mother and father is your way of honoring them. That the commandment honor your father, cause here's the deal you guys, God saw like all of the future, like he knows what was, what is, and what will be, he knows. And so for him to know that
some of this trauma would exist and have us have a commandment to honor our parents.
is interesting. And so I think it's something for me that I don't overlook. And for me, I pray for my mother and father and that's it. I used to think I had to overlook and- Well, and a lot of people look at the word honor as do whatever they say. Yes. And worship, I don't know if worship is the right word, but like obey.
It doesn't say honor and obey. It actually just says honor. And respect. And honestly, you know, a lot of people, you have to respect your parents. Well, people, people need also to earn respect. And so you have to you have to definitely look at these words that we're throwing around. Respect, honor, obey and define what they true what those words truly mean. Looking through our lenses, right? Yeah. So what it means for me
is to pray for my mom and dad.
And that's it at this point. I did send my mom a painting this year because I know she likes flowers and I painted a beautiful flower thing and sent it to her. But truthfully, I was really stirred up doing that.
and
but I'm just honoring how I feel about it and letting it be, I guess. Right, and so what does that do for you? Because this is a thing that comes up every single year. Yeah. Has and will for the rest of your life. Right. So how do you feel, how do you feel that you're doing it, that you found a way up to this point to do the fourth commandment, honor? So.
I went through this in my head and perhaps this is a tool you can use. But asking myself, what are the possibilities? So what are the possibilities that I can honor my mother on Mother's Day and still have my boundaries and still feel safe? So it's more like I feel uncomfortable than not safe.
because we're not making a trip down there right was just gonna say, we've also defined what's gonna happen from you to her on that day. So we know, because in the past it was visiting or whatever, and we've gotten to the point where for you, now it's mailing her something that is something you feel she would potentially enjoy. Right. We're not even sending like candy or anything anymore, like we've done sometimes.
streamlined. Yeah and I feel like I'm honoring her. I had some years where I didn't do anything and now I wanted to do something so I asked myself in my mind, we didn't really talk about it, the two of us, but I asked myself in my mind what are the possibilities that I could honor my mom
And on Mother's Day, and I actually thought of the things that she helped me learn that I like about myself. For example, I'm a very good administrator. I am a very good party planner, organizer. I know how to make people feel welcome, like in a room and to when they come. Because those were things that were her.
Positive qualities. Those were her strengths. Yeah. So I actually wrote on the back of the thing I painted that I'm thankful that I learned that from her. And I felt like that's what I can do. And so the question is what can you do. Right. Not you, Vicki. You listening person. What can you do in your situation with your parent, mother, father, whatever that person is? And hopefully you have somebody to talk to about it because a lot of times hashing it out.
will help.
do this kind of brainstorming process, what are the possibilities? and I want you to be aware
to be observant of yourself and not judgmental. So wherever that you are at, give yourself grace and say, is where I'm at this year, is no contact. Or, this is where I'm at this year, I will, depending on where you guys live, that's a factor, is I will go visit, but I'm not staying.
Or you may say, I can't visit this year, but I'm going to mail something, or I'm going to send a package or drop something off. The first time you really do something different than you've ever done, because sometimes what I've seen happen with fellow survivors is they're like, I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend anymore. I can't act like that. Everything is great. A lot of times what something that does come up,
with survivors.
is their mother gets older and now they are in a position where they need to take care of somebody who never took care of them. That is very common. So when you're home by yourself, you have the bitterness. I don't want to do this. I don't want to pick up her meds. I don't want to go do this A, B, and C. And you have to decide
If you allow yourself a choice, you may feel like you don't have a choice. We always have a choice, but sometimes it's limited. so like when my mom had a stroke, me and my sister were taking care of her and we were tag teaming. When my sister was at work, I was with my mom. my mom, when, and then when my sister got off work, I came home.
So I spent a lot of time like in the bedroom.
doing work by myself, even though I was with her at the house, at her house. So try to create space for yourself. I will tell you, I know I lost my temper a lot with her, with my mom during that time. Or I lost my temper with people I was talking to on the phone. I lost my cool because I was so stressed doing it.
that
I didn't at the time feel like I had a choice. I don't have all the information that we're telling you guys now. I wish we would have, right? If we... What do mean? Everything we're sharing, if we would have known and had all that... life is learning, right? Yeah. Yeah. Back then, I feel like we might have processed it better. Well, that's why we're doing what we're doing now. Right. We're doing this to help you guys. So we can maybe save you some struggle. Yeah. And time.
You have to decide what your tolerance level is. You have to decide what you're doing. And the first time you do it, the first time you make any sort of change.
Brace yourself, if that's a good word, for backlash. Brace yourself for shit to hit the fan because it probably will. Because it won't be okay that you're not honoring mom. What do mean you're not gonna go see her? You're just gonna call her. You you might get that conversation from a person in your family, you know, and you have, it's easy but not simple. You have to be able to stand firm.
and the idea that you have to protect and care for yourself first and then what's left for you to give you can give the best of that that you possibly can.
So honor yourself, what you can handle. If you are married or if you have somebody that you can talk about it with, a partner or something, talk about possibilities. And it's really cool. Every time we ask that question, it's like, my God, I never thought of it like that. Or they might have a solution. Like maybe you make a phone call instead and maybe you guys do something like if you're a mother,
your family does something for you that day and you.
You don't celebrate with your mom that day or whatever. Maybe you decide that you take her out to lunch the following Monday. Maybe you don't. So it's all about what you can do this year in this moment. So- feel that nothing's wrong. It's- Yeah. What is it and what are you gonna do? Well, let's not look through the lens. said there's nothing wrong.
There's a socially acceptable way to behave. I meant to, whatever decision the person that's listening right now makes in their capacity with what we're talking about is not wrong. Exactly. other people, we know it's not wrong. Right. Yeah, we know it's not wrong. But you're going to be told it is, But no, take off your lenses. And there's a societal expectation that you treat your mother like she has been the best thing.
in the world to you. Well, and you may very well hear it like in church on Sunday of Mother's Day. So many preachers are going to say, now, because mom is the most special person in your life, you know, they make presumptions, blanket presumptions that everything is always good with everybody with their mother. And it's rare, but refreshing when they say it like, if this is something you can relate to, or for those of you, for those of you
who can relate to, or for those of you whose mother has been a great influence in your life, you know. Yeah. Or a mother or mother figure. Figure, right. That'll say something like that. That's also refreshing. Yeah. But it's not uncommon if they're going to say something that's a blanket statement that does not resonate with you Right. Right. So that's when you just sit and shake your head. So know that you have our support behind you. Yep. Yep. Yep.
The second thing about Mother's Day is if you are a mother and depending on how your trauma has played out, where you are in your healing journey, when you started your healing journey will determine maybe the kind of parent that you have been. We have seven children and three in heaven and
I did not, wasn't aware consciously of any trauma until 18 years into our marriage. So that's a long time. Now there were signs of it. I had a short fuse. I used to use plates as frisbees. I had a temper, but nothing, and there were some other things. I'm not going to get into it here, but I know I made some mistakes with my kids. I know that.
And I always say to her when she says that, but so does every parent. So don't beat yourself up about it either. And I have to honor if even though I didn't mean to, I may have done damage to my kids.
We have, we work intentionally to have a good relationship with each of them separately and with their partners.
so that we can be close to them as they grow. And I try now as a mother, so our youngest is 22 and our oldest is, was born in 89. So 30, 36, 36. So 22 to 36 years our kids are, and then we have grandkids. So,
I love to try, I love to listen to our kids and then share kind of our experience of what we found worked for us. We do have some of our kids that will actually come to us and ask us for advice. We spent some time just talking and then things will come up and then I'll throw things out. But I would say, and we intentionally once a month or twice a month we will take
our kids and their partner or their family bring them dinner, take them out to dinner just so we can have that time with just them and have a nice visit two or three hours in an evening and have a nice visit to have that connection. So that.
They can see, and they have said to me, flat out, that they are proud of me and how far I've come on my healing journey and that I never give up. They've actually said that mostly to That's mostly you never give up. You never working. I never stop working on myself. stop working. So they see it, which I'm really thankful for. See it and respect it. Yeah. And so...
Then the next level of motherhood is with our kids. And that we kind of touched on that a little bit, but to watch our children, our daughters be mothers, to show them grace and support when you can. And it's interesting because when our kids started having kids, well, actually, when we were in the, after the kids were grown and I was in,
the midst of some really heavy healing, like right in the beginning and it was hard all the time and all that. And I would be like, man, I would have done this differently. So we didn't have such terrible money issues. I would have done this differently. And now I watch our kids make their decisions. And I think, hmm. So here's a huge thought that I'm aware of is.
There are very few decisions that you make in your life that are like life or death. Very few. There's really no wrong or right answer. Yet,
Because of my upbringing and what we chose to believe early on, there was definitely right and wrong. 100%. If you did this, you were wrong. If you chose this, you were right. From your family and my family. Parents especially. Yeah. And so we definitely had that a lot of judgment. goodness, we were so young and we were so judgmental of ourselves and other people.
And now I look at a decision, you know, if one of my daughters is choosing to work out of their home, another one might be going off to work. Another one might have kids in daycare. Another one might have them not. But it's really, it's whatever works for them. We support them the best way we can, right? Yes. So, so my point is, to support, we are supporting our kids. I'm supporting my children as their mother.
in whatever capacity that they choose to parent, whatever decision they make because they're really- how do they fit into that? Right.
because there's really no wrong or right answer. For right now, this might be the best solution as opposed to a right and wrong. Show them grace when you can, you know, to model good behavior. And it's interesting that I think back now on the choices we made, I don't know that I would change what I did being home with my kids. I would, however, like to change my mindset.
but then life is all about lessons. Well, and you were at place at that point when you didn't know what was driving your behaviors because it was repressed. So, you you didn't even have control of it. Yeah. But it's interesting that I thought I would redo everything and even now thinking with what I consider a pretty healthy mind that I don't know that I would change my choices, just my mindset to keep good things coming and bad things away.
but that's life and learning lessons, right? I wanted to share with you, so sorry. Hang on, let me just say my part real quick. Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. So, and what I wanna say is be cognizant of your partner in all of this because I know through what Vicki shared with me before I knew her, what had happened to her, but I've also watched when I did know her in her family's dynamic, what was being done and how she was being treated.
And so I have a lot of problems with the people who were supposed to raise her and take care of her. And Vicki lets me be in that place. That's important that I let her be in her place and that she lets me be in my place. And she listens to where I'm coming from and what I've observed and what I observe that's going on that helps her make decisions.
in the here and now on how she's going to deal with things moving forward. because I said to her, the way you're being treated by these couple people, I don't feel it's proper and safe for you to travel down to visit your mother anymore. I don't think that's a safe, wise thing to do. What's the good that's going to come out of it as opposed to doing what we can do from home here, i.e. mailing her a painting. And so Vicki listens to me, we talk about it, and then decisions are made.
but she respects where I'm coming from because I have another outside point of view from Vicki's closest partner of what I see happening to help protect her also, right? So let your partner, if there is one, be involved in this process, let them be who they are and talk with them about it because it's, they're feeling something different than you are coming from a different place than you are and maybe looking at a protection angle for you that you may not be understanding or seeing.
But that may be very well what's driving some of their behavior is they don't want you to be hurt or beat up or whatever anymore. So that's my And we get so used to being hurt and beat up. Right. We don't even notice. Right. That that is what's happening. Because there was a couple of times when you did say, do you realize how they're treating you? There you go. So. So share those. So that's our.
Mother's Day feedback, I hope it empowers you. I hope it gives you hope that you can maybe have a little bit of peace that if you've decided for yourself to honor where you're at in your journey and that you can give yourself permission to make a different choice this year. Yeah, I hope you could do that for yourself.
So I wanted to show you the paintings that I made for my kids, my daughters. Daughters who are mothers. Daughters who are mothers, yes. So this is for my daughter, Rachel. She has a little girl and a little boy. And I've been painting a little five by seven every year for Mother's Day now, since, for four years now. This will be the fourth year. So it's kind of become a tradition that I paint these.
with how many kids they have. This is for my daughter, Bekah, and she has two little boys and they're just, they're sweet and they're onry. So this is for her. And then this is for my daughter-in-law, Morgan. And she's pregnant right now, but she, her and my son's little baby, Grace died last September, July.
July, August, July, I think. Anyway, this is Grace here, but then this is- Our heaven, girl. Our little baby in heaven. And then this is the baby she has right now. I made her- Coming soon. Yes, yes. Baby coming soon. Yes, yes. So I just wanted to share more of my art whenever we do a podcast. And I guess the people that were listening, I'm sorry, you didn't get to see those. One was a fox with two little fox babies.
One was a raccoon with two little raccoon babies and one was a cat with two little kitty cat babies. So that's what our thing is. So until next time, this is Tom and Vicki embracing love and fostering hope.
Good job, baby.
Vicki Dau (21:34)
Thank you very much for joining us on this episode of Reframing Life and Love. We hope you found the inspiration and actionable insights to enhance your relationship. Don't forget to subscribe for more empowering discussions. Until next time, this is Tom and Vicki. Embracing love, fostering hope.
