Vicki Dau (00:01)
Hey there, we are here to talk about what to say when someone tells you that they're a trauma survivor. What to say and not say when... More not to say is probably. Well, I don't know, a little bit of both. I feel like it's kind of equal of what we recommend saying or not saying when someone tells you that they have, we're gonna deal with sexual abuse survivor. We'll go with that angle for it.
So it's probably not going to be a long podcast, but we wanted to address what to say to a trauma survivor when they, when they, when they've told you about it. sometimes people don't like to talk about uncomfortable things. And I have found in my experience as a friend and then getting professional training.
in the various areas that I have been certified in is just acknowledging with that person, I'm sorry. So in my opinion, one of the best things to say to a trauma survivor would be, I'm sorry that happened to you. Even if they say it like in a sentence and then they end with something else, I will stop.
I will say, first of all, I'd like to tell you that I'm sorry that that happened to you. That's awful. Like acknowledge what they said. They basically, it could be a shock to you. But if somebody brought it up, it means that they're okay to talk about it. Or desiring maybe to have some conversation. It's a... Which might be a thing to... Another follow up to that potentially, I don't know. You tell me could be if someone says that to you.
would it potentially lead to, know, I'm so sorry, is it something you wanna talk about? That's perfect. Because they can say yes or no, and then you know when you stand, and you don't push it. I love that. Because you're showing interest in it, you're giving them permission, some time, well, all the time. The story of a survivor can be very, very personal. They may tell you when, they may tell you by who, or not.
But by saying, that something you wanna talk about more? By them bringing it up initially is a huge sign of how comfortable they are with you, that they feel safe with you to have brought it up to begin with. And if you say, you wanna talk about it? And they begin to, you better not ask that question if you're not ready to listen.
And when I say, listen, mean that in all capitals, not listen and share. Yeah. Don't try to fix anything. You have to go into it as a sounding board only. They can tell you if they, or ask you a question if they want, but, but you, you, by asking that question, you're, you're, you're saying, Hey, I'm here for you to share. If you'd like to share to somebody and I'll be quiet. And even it could be, if you don't feel like talking about it now, I want you to know that whenever you might, please let me know. I would like to be that.
a person like that for you. If you are open to it, I'm going to give this scenario because this is fresh-ish in my mind. A lot of times, nobody, no, it's not uncommon that nobody talks about miscarriages. And I will tell you that most...
people who have lost a baby and they bring up that they've had this miscarriage or this or whatever.
they welcome the opportunity to share. Most, some may not. But to say, I'm sorry about that. Did you know if it was a boy or girl or how far along were you or whatever? They like to talk about it. I've even went so far as to encourage parents who have lost a child to
pray about it or pay attention to their dreams and give that baby an identity. Because that really does help in that trauma. And it doesn't matter if you name it a boy's name and it was really a girl. It really doesn't matter. You give that baby identity. Sometimes you could, if you wanted to give it a gender neutral name, if that helps your mind. But
pick if it was a boy or a girl, because that's a thing. That when you're created, you are created either a boy or a girl and choose the name for that baby. And then have that as an identity, have that as a, because no- You will meet that child at some point. Yeah. You will. And it's very common that when people ask us how many kids we have, we say 10. Seven here and three in heaven, because we had seven.
or three miscarried babies and they all have an identity and we named them, we love them and we're looking forward to seeing them and we share that with people and it's interesting because that frequently sparks, can frequently spark conversation or open the door for them to say, oh wow, I had two miscarriages myself or something like that. Again, it's opening the And sometimes I'll kind of say, did you name them? And you could, like the perspective you could even say, I know this couple.
us who named their baby and that really helped them. anyway, that's what I'm thinking about. That example of they kind of welcome the idea that somebody else is acknowledging that life. If it wasn't a life, if it wasn't a baby, it wouldn't be called a pregnancy. So the point of sharing that is if they brought it up.
They're they're feeling safe enough to talk about their trauma with you. Yeah, that's a form of trauma having a miscarriage for sure it is right, but we're kind of you know, I know right we're about sexual abuse. Yeah, I Keep her on track sometimes. Yeah, I encourage you we encourage you to listen empathically Do not do not try to fix anything just offer
responses like, I am so sorry that happened to you. Wow, that's a lot. that must've been hard. Even saying, I don't know what to say is appropriate response. Yeah, right. Because you are acknowledging the, the magnitude of what you have just been told.
And you're not trying to fake your way through it. You're literally saying, I can't even imagine that. Or I don't know what to say. Not saying anything. It's actually kind of better to say, I don't know what to say. We recommend not saying things like, well, that was a long time ago.
what happened in the past, I could see how you wanna just leave it in the past or some other back-ass word statement that has to do with bearing it in the past. You are stronger for it. I think that could, that phrase might have an appropriate time to be said, but not when you're first being told.
the news because that's like saying, well, you know, here's the good side of it because they may not be interested in that and take that philosophy. Also, I, what I think is horse shit is God only gives us what we can handle. I think that's a horse shit line. I think
because that insinuates that God wanted them to go through it.
I think he can bring good out of it. But I think that's a response. That is a mindset that the survivor has to take on. That's not something you, you know, help them with. That's pious statement that doesn't belong. No. And so I don't recommend doing that because there may be a part of them that still blames God for not stopping it. Which is a very common response that we see.
And that's okay. God's not afraid of that. Let God and them deal with it. You don't need to step in and be the savior person for them and give them the ultimate thing that's gonna soothe. I don't think they wanna be soothed. I think they wanna be heard. Yep. You know that. Yeah. So whatever you can say that they feel heard. Yep. That's what we recommend saying. we hope that helps. So...
I don't know, you can leave your comments or ask another question. One thing that we want to share is if you're watching on YouTube, I have my version of Snow White. This is I had actually painted Snow White. And what I did is I rewrote the story of Snow White. And this in this version, Snow White is being picked on.
by her stepmother, she goes to her stepfather, no, to her real father and says that the queen is mistreating me and picking on me. The king does not believe her. So instead of being thrown out of the castle, Snow White leaves and Snow White goes to the next town and she starts working in town.
And she ends up meeting a handsome woodcutter and they get married and they have 10 children. Love it. But this is what I feel like Snow White. She has resilience. She's strong. be in control of your life. Yes. Yes. I think the story that, la, la, la, la, la, you know, I can't, woe is me. I know somebody's mistreating me. So I'm just going to stay there and take it.
You get out. You get out and make your own life. I actually wrote, I mean, turn this into a book. this, so this is Snow White, right? And I wrote my story down here. This is from my book that I don't have published, but maybe if you tell me I should, I will. Fairy Tales Through the Lens of a Sexual Abuse Survivor. So I took all the fairy tales and I repainted them.
I painted them in the traditional way and then I rewrote the story and painted my own version. So tune in for more of our podcast episodes when I reveal some of our things. And the other thing we want to do is leave you with an amazing resource that we have created. It's called Love's Resilience. It's a free ebook that we will have the link for in the top of the podcast, top of the show notes. And we invite you to click on that and get your own copy.
of the tips that we feel like every committed couple should know about if past trauma is in their relationship. And not in their relationship, but in her life. So until next time, this is Tom and Vicki embracing love, fostering hope.
