Vicki Dau (00:05)
Welcome to Reframing Life and Love, where Tom and Vicki guide you on a transformative journey through healing and connection. Together we explore the profound effects of childhood sexual trauma on adult relationships and share practical tools to help you build a loving partnership. Two things, we do have a trigger warning. This podcast discusses sensitive topics related to childhood sexual abuse and trauma. Listener discretion is advised.
And we have a disclaimer. Before we begin, we want to remind you that we are not medical or mental health professionals. This podcast is based on our personal experiences and what has worked for us. While we aim to provide valuable insights and support, we encourage you to seek professional advice for any specific mental health or relationship issues which you may be facing.
Vicki Dau (00:58)
afternoon everybody. a early happy father's day to all of you dads out there. My name is Tom Dau My wife Vicki and I have been parishioners here for just over a year, so we're newbies to you guys. But I do have to say that you have been a super welcoming community to us and I really appreciate that. I knew this was gonna happen. And I can't look over there at my girls because if they see me forget it.
We've been coming to 430 Mass for about a year. We love Saturdays at 430. We've got our own little group back there, our tribe. Shout out to you guys. You've been great friends, great friends. Vicki and I have been married this August. We'll be 38 years. We actually have 10 children. We have seven here and three in heaven. And I actually...
have them- many of you know have seen me walking around, have tattoos. And one of my favorites is this one that I have here on my arm. It is actually an arrow quiver full of arrows. And it is based on Psalm 127 which reads, Children are a gift from the Lord like arrows in the hands of a warrior. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents.
And so what this what I what I had put on my arm here is the quiver and that that represents me and it says once Psalm 127 on it the strap that holds it and gives it support represents my wife. The seven arrows to point point out the top are for my seven kids and the decorative feathers blow are for our three in heaven and it's important to me because I see it so often and it reminds me of a husband of being a dad of the importance my kids are to me but.
of the greater importance I am to them that I have to be a dad and a good dad to them. And so that's multiple times a day a great reminder of that relationship I have with my family. Also though, I have one other that I got several years ago in a men's group that I was β a part of. One of the gentlemen was talking about our relationships and the relationships that we have with each other here. So the horizontal relationships we had. But then he talks about
He talked about the vertical relationship that we should all have, that we have between us and God. And so I thought that vertical word really hit me and I thought I love that a lot. And that was my first introduction to tattoos because I went out and I got the word vertical put right on my wrist here so that whenever I look at it, I'd be reminded of this, that important relationship. And it has worked because I've been praying recently that I be God's hands and feet and that I can serve him in that way.
And then two weeks ago, Scott asks me to come talk today and I'm like, okay, hands, feet, and maybe voice, right? So I said yes, but I want my words and my stories to be the Holy Spirit speaking and maybe sharing something with you from what I've experienced. And for me and for maybe several of you out there, Father's Day, for me with my father and fathers, and I'll explain that, wasn't easy. I'm adopted and...
About 20 years ago, I found my adopted family, met them, we had a lot of time together, we spent travels to see each other, and in and amongst those times together, was introduced to, through pictures, to my birth father who had passed away. And it was wonderful to have that tie in because I'd been searching for it for so long. And about two years ago, maybe a little longer than that, I actually found my birth father's family.
And we connected and my wife Vicki and I actually took a trip to Florida and we met them and it was amazing to be with my birth father and his brother and his nephew and their families. We had a meal together. We actually went to the cemetery and I saw my dad's tombstone and it brought real contentment and closure to me until a month later when I got a call that in fact they found out I was not related to them whatsoever. And it was funny and devastating.
all at the same time because we had spent so much in that search and opportunity. And then I reflected on my growing up with my dad, my mom and my sister and my adopted dad was quite a dictator. He ran the household. It was his way or the highway. We didn't have much say in what went on and he was disrespectful to me and my growing up and what I decided and wanted to do.
as an adult moving forward and I found that to be extremely difficult. And the reason I share these two stories with you is because in difficulties of any trauma situation or difficulty like that, there's always a gift. And the gift to me in both of those was in the first story, the gift was that I didn't have to be defined by the fact that I knew who my birth father was. And I didn't need to let that destroy or hinder me in my growth as a dad.
and is a husband moving forward. And with my dad, who I grew up with, the dictator, I learned how not to do a lot of things being a dad. And that became useful to me. I hope my kids agree. So for the past 36 years, I've been on β autopilot. I've been a dad running like crazy, but loving it. I remember getting phone calls at 10, 11, 12 at night from my son away at college.
who needed to talk because he was struggling. So I'd get up and go get on the phone with him and talk for a while. We would get knocks at the bedroom, our bedroom door at night with a child who perhaps had a bad dream or a difficulty falling asleep. So I'd go sit in the living room or in their bedroom and I would talk and we would share and I'd pray with them and hopefully bring them God's peace and let them get back to sleep. I remember following a quarter mile long transmission fluid leak on a road up to Walgreens parking lot where my daughter's car was.
to help her out when she gave me a call. And even these recent days, getting phone calls, hey dad, we want to come over and go swimming. Okay, I'll vacuum the pool and make sure the water is warm. So, and I know dad's going to agree, we're always on autopilot. And I love doing that. And I say that because I don't want you as a dad to underestimate the importance of what you do to your kids.
pray for my kids every day, for their families, their health, their protection, that God direct them in what they're supposed to do. And I feel that as dads, one of the best gifts we could give our kids is to love mom, their mom, to show her respect, because the kids watch us and I want them to know.
the love that flows from me, I also want them to see how they should be when they grow up. Because they watch us and they mirror us and they will take that with them. So please love their mom. It shows so much respect and so much love to the kids when you do that. I'm a contractor and I'm frequently in people's houses talking to parents, husbands and wives about the jobs they need done. I'm...
It's not uncommon that I see the husband talking the wife down or moving her out of the way or not letting her be included in conversation. Sometimes her kids are there watching and it just breaks my heart to see that because the kids are watching what's going on. Your kids are watching what's going on. So give them that good example so they can take that into their relationships moving forward.
18 years into our marriage, my wife's past sexual abuse that were repressed came back to her. And we had to deal with that situation. It was very difficult. And in so doing, she put in a decade's worth of work, day and night, on herself to be a better person, to be a better wife, to work through that difficult situation. And I supported her in it 100%. But a couple years ago, maybe a year ago,
We were having a disagreement and she said, you know what, Tom, she goes, she looks me in the eye and she says, all of this stuff that's going on isn't all on me. You've got a lot of your own crap that you need to deal with too. And we talk about it a lot, but you've not been doing that. And she said, it's time that you put the effort in for yourself too. And she really hammered it into me. And I just looked at her and I stared her straight in the face and I said, yes, dear. She was right, 100 % right.
And from that point on, I started working on Tom as best I could, and I still do today. And I invite you to do the same, to work on yourself, because when you work on yourself, you become a better husband, you become a better dad, you become a better employer, employee, neighbor, brother, whatever it is that you do. When you're making yourself better, God can work better through you because you're in a good place to do so, right? So that would be my invitation to you is work on yourself and let the goodness that God created in you
come out so that you can become the better version of yourself so that you can be his hands and feet and voice if it be called upon to do. So if you're a father now, if you're a father soon to be, I got a son out there who could have a baby any day. grandchild number seven or eight. Except well, they lost one. This is a new one coming in. It's awesome any day. So if you have kids who are at home with you,
If your kids have moved out, it doesn't matter. Keep doing the work on yourselves because in so doing, your kids will do it and then you will be changing your corner of the world. And to my family, I love you guys so much.
Vicki Dau (10:45)
Thank you very much for joining us on this episode of Reframing Life and Love. We hope you found the inspiration and actionable insights to enhance your relationship. Don't forget to subscribe for more empowering discussions. Until next time, this is Tom and Vicki. Embracing love, fostering hope.
