Vicki Dau (00:05)
Welcome to Reframing Life and Love, where Tom and Vicki guide you on a transformative journey through healing and connection. Together we explore the profound effects of childhood sexual trauma on adult relationships and share practical tools to help you build a loving partnership. Two things, we do have a trigger warning. This podcast discusses sensitive topics related to childhood sexual abuse and trauma. Listener discretion is advised.
And we have a disclaimer. Before we begin, we want to remind you that we are not medical or mental health professionals. This podcast is based on our personal experiences and what has worked for us. While we aim to provide valuable insights and support, we encourage you to seek professional advice for any specific mental health or relationship issues which you may be facing.
Vicki Dau (00:58)
Hey, how are you? This is Tom and Vicki Dau from teamdau.com. Hello. How are you doing? I'm doing good. I'm doing great. So we're changing it up a little bit. I'm in the other seat now, which is kind of fun and scary all at the same time. Because we're going to be talking more these days, well, at least from my perspective, to the guys, to husbands, to partners of women who've been through
who've through sexual abuse issues when they were younger, and those relationships trying to navigate life together, because we're talking hopefully to a couple that is committed to each other, a couple that's where they both feel they're on the same team. And well, if you're listening to this, hopefully you are on the same team, and if not, let's work to get you there, because we went through a very difficult...
situation 18 years into our marriage when Vicki's sexual abuse memories resurfaced. And we are out of that woods and we love doing life together. It's really amazing how much healing I've had, how far we've come that when I think about, I've read stuff where I was journaling at the time and different things and how bad it was.
like, you know, laying in bed wishing one of us would die in our sleep. Just because. Because it was so hard. It just was so hard every day. And when she says that, she doesn't mean I wish that person, one of us was dead because it was it was because it's so hard. would just be easier if we didn't have to deal with it, talking about it and going through it and all of that. Right. Not it was sure what she'd be done. No, it was like I wish I was alone. I just was alone. But then.
do I really wish I was alone? Because I'll tell you what, just even, I don't know, half an hour ago, I said, I would love to talk with you about something I need some clarity on. And we did. And we did. I, yeah, I know to do with those And the point of all this is wherever you are in your journey with dealing in a relationship with someone that you love, who's been sexually abused in the past, who's had some bad trauma.
is there is no reason you need to be stuck there at all. There is absolutely hope at the end of the tunnel. We did years, decades of work to get where we are right now sitting here today. But we are doing this podcast and sharing the things that we share and that we've built and that we do because you don't have to take years and decades to do it. You can implement stuff tomorrow if you wanted to literally start changing things in your relationship. And that's what
were about. And I don't know how many years ago it was, but I put out a video seven years ago, three things every husband should know if his wife has been sexually abused. And a lot of people have watched it. And I just wanted to in this podcast, do a little bit more reflecting on it, just fresh and new, but also do it with Vicki here, because when I did that video, was just me talking. It's still
extremely pertinent. And the three pillars of it are, the first thing is, it's not your fault. Meaning, me talking to the guys, it's not your fault what's going on right now with your relationship and the triggers that are going on most likely with your partner and the different difficulties that she's having. It's not your fault and I'll expand on that. The second is, she needs you.
because she may very well have nobody else. And the third is don't try to fix it, at least not initially. And those three things are important because they're gonna lay groundwork for you to be able to show her your caringness for her and your desire to make this work and your desire to understand her. But also something that I wanna put out here is it puts a lot of responsibility on you.
on me, on us men in the relationship of how we're going to take care of the relationship, not just her, but the two of you. She's in a difficult place right now and Clarity may not be her friend all the time and Clarity can be our friend, but we have to know how to navigate through it. And so I just want to touch base again on those three pillars. that, are we in a good place to do that? Do you have any?
comments in regards? One thing I would also mention, it takes two people to work a relationship. So there has to be openness on her part to want to work on herself, to not act like it was in the past. I, and I, and it'll stay there. I'm not gonna open that can of worms. If, if you both aren't working on it, it's really tough.
But she has to be open to working on healing, but both of you, so.
His support of me when my memories first came back was amazing.
And I was 100 % committed to getting myself better every day. It was hard. The first, what, two or three years were rough. Going to counseling, going to therapy, going to coaches, doing everything I could to heal myself physically, mentally, spiritually, to get over this and...
Process it while raising a family. Yeah, so At that time I think our youngest Was just like a toddler I think 18 year. Yeah. Yeah newborn even and so I mean we were still doing life Building a family of seven kids. Yeah, and so figuring out How to navigate all that
but what he's sharing is what he figured out the best way to support me while I was doing the work. right. So let's do it. First one again is it's not your fault. And again, why I say that is, and what I mean by that is, for instance, a couple of things that bring that to light is I could back at that point in time when
we didn't know what was going on fully yet. I could walk into the room after work or just being home, into the kitchen if she was at the sink doing something. And if I just went and just put my hand on her shoulder, that trigger on her was horrible. And it sent her into a recoil response and...
left me initially immediately thinking, geez, what's wrong with you? What's the matter? I'm just trying to be nice. No words were even involved. And that then in a situation like that can become very confusing to the male, right? And it was for me, that's one example. It could be a touch, it could be me. And there were several different things. For whatever reason, she doesn't like when I whistle.
and you know just whistle the tune and I'm kind of a happy-go-lucky guy so it's not it wasn't uncommon that I would just whistle and and for whatever reason it triggers her into a bad place and so we would have a conversation about it and this is where the responsibility part comes in I can't go all woe is me poor me I'm not going to do that and and we don't need to do that we need to be adults we need to be we need to we need to be men we need to be leaders we need to be husbands we need to we need to be
in the place that we're supposed to be. And so that's to be grown up, right? And so I quickly learned that what was going on in those things weren't because it was me who did something that caused it, but I'm not the reason that it is a negative issue for her. The negative that came out of it was because of her trauma and her abuse eons ago before I didn't even, before I even knew her. But it was my- Subjecting. Right.
It was me understanding that so that I knew it wasn't my fault, but then talking with her about it, her talking with me about it. So if there's women listening, you gotta be able to have conversations about this stuff so that we, the guys, understand what's going on and say, hey, start it by saying, hey, this isn't an attack. This is a conversation because I want you to understand what's going on and maybe help me.
Vicki's saying this, maybe help me understand what's going on more too. So again, everything we're talking about is partnership in the end, but there's stuff that she's gonna do, the woman's gonna do, there's stuff the guy's gonna do, and then there's stuff you're gonna do together, right? And putting these things into conversation is important. And for the guys not feeling attacked, even when we might be.
attacked to a short to a small degree, but not feeling that that attack is is personal at us because it's not it's a knee jerk to something that happened a long time ago. So the more thick skin you can be if I can say that in a right way where to not take it personal. when you have a little baby and they're crying and nothing you can do to help. You don't get mad at the baby. You know, you know, it's there's something that's bothering them. You try to sooth them, whatever in some senses.
we are like that in that state where certain things like we, survivors of past trauma often have a high startle reflex, which means, you know, we get startled really easily and he would come up behind me and I don't know he's there and he would touch me and my gosh, to be touched without knowing somebody is there is like a total freak out for me.
And so what that looks like now, years later, is I know not to do that, and I'm okay with that, but I also do other things because I know she startles in lots of ways. I can come in the house, she can be downstairs. This happened just two days ago, yeah. Yeah, she was downstairs in the basement doing some different things, and I was upstairs and she had her music going, and she didn't know I was home and I wasn't gonna go downstairs, so.
I was upstairs doing my thing and when eventually I heard her coming up the stairs, I did a, hey, I'm home, just so she had a warning that when she turned the corner, there was gonna be me there. Because if she didn't know that, that would not be a thing for her. So I've learned to do that. I will give a warning even if I'm gonna, if I had decided to go downstairs, I would have gone to the stairwell and said, hey, Vic, I'm home. I wouldn't have just gone downstairs. I would have warned my way into it.
There's no belittlement. None. There's no making fun of me. No, you said thank you. Yeah. And yeah, so I show my appreciation. we actually go over how to technically handle all these things in our communication and connection workshop. So check our website, teamdau.com to see when our next workshop is because I'll tell you that it is. Invaluable information. it's awesome. It's crazy. spend.
Six hours working together with whoever we've done it with over 200 couples and the results have been extraordinary and we would invite you to be a part of that but some of the that were just kind of going fast with we discuss in detail at that workshop but the point I want to make for this is I never feel less than as a woman or as a survivor or why can't I get my act together? He respects that this is where I'm at
this is what I can handle or this is what I need to feel safe because for survivors, it's all about feeling safe. So the lengths that this man has went to, has gone to, to make me feel safe is I'm so grateful. And because you've done that then, I want to give more. know, it's a two way street where now for a long time we were focused on me and what
what needed to happen in order for me to get healing and to get through the really tough stuff and the reality of what happened to me and second guessing it and all that. to reiterate the first point, it's not your fault. It may be a trial and error that you have no idea what you could do that might set her off, but to not take it personal. Even though
she may react to you personally. It is not you that's doing it. And to be able to be strong enough in that moment to not attack back, to not attack back and to be like, you know what, I'm sorry I did that. It was not my intention. And that soothes it right there, you guys. The little things that guys so frequently that I don't do that we need to do from a compassion angle can change the world, man.
It sounded contradictory. You said I don't do those things, but we need to do them. And so it makes it sound like you're not doing what needs to be done. Sometimes I have to catch myself. so it's easy. It's easy to to not do the right thing sometimes because we're human and it's about focus and rebounding. OK, does that make sense? OK.
Does it? Yeah. She's not going to edit this part out because it's gold. Can I go to number two? Sure. Number two, she needs you. Yeah. So a woman who's been through sexual abuse, trauma, it very frequently goes so far beyond just the act or acts of that. There is
not being supported by people who need to be supporters and have failed in that regard. It could be someone of a, it could be a teacher, it could be a parent, it could be any adult or person that was potentially the information was shared with who didn't respond properly in support of the person. It could be family or friends not believing that that is a huge group of people usually.
And what ends up happening and what she may find initially and then as it may grow depending on how situations work is She feels all alone and when she feels all alone and people question her she will start questioning herself And that's where we have to be there to say no, no, no, no, a minute. We know this is real We know that was real. We know we're working on it to be better at it and I'm I believe you and because I believe you you and I are gonna work through this because
We are beyond those people who don't get it. And you can argue people down all the time, but that may be a waste of time. People may come around, some people may believe, hopefully they will, but right now she needs you to make a decision to be compassionate, to be quiet, to listen to her, to support her in whatever way she needs and feels she can be supported, because that may be different. It may not be a hug.
but it may be a sitting down and saying, hey, I see it looks like you're having a tough time right now. What's going on? Let's talk about it. I'll just be quiet. Tell me what's going on. And guys, being quiet goes a long way these days. And depending on what her love language is, that's, know, writing her a little note, you are stronger than you think. I'm so proud of you. You're a champion. Proud of you. Keep up the good work because it's work.
every day, all the time for both of you guys. Here's the one thing I'm going to say. It gets easier. It does. If I can give you guys hope, it gets easier when you stick out the hard times. We now rarely have disagreements. We almost read each other's minds certain times. You know, like if we're with the kids and we're trying to get a little signal through.
We're usually so connected with it. It's great. And we'll acknowledge that later. Like, thank you for paying attention and not bringing that issue up yet with the kids and whatever.
We need you guys. I need him even if I may act like I don't. Even if I may push him away at times or get angry and just say, just leave me alone.
And that's okay to say because you need that. You're not saying what you don't need, but it's not indefinite. No, yeah. It's not forever. That's another thing where you're not taking it personal. Right. To be like a big deal. And what I learned to say, because I know it was important for our relationship, because I knew I made there was a change. There was a time when I made a conscious decision to say, okay, I need to share with him.
I need to be open with him. I need to let him know what's going on with me or I will lose him. And I don't want to lose him because he's my Prince Charming. I literally stepped out of myself dissociation. I'm very good at it because that's what I had to do my whole life. But I stepped out of myself and I looked at him as a person and he is kind. He is loving.
He is sensitive. He's trying. Just the effort is huge. and I think he's very, very handsome. And so why would I want to not have that? He is what I've always wanted. And God blessed me with him. So I'd better do what I need to do. I'm not saying I had to be perfect, but I need to do what I need to do.
to keep him on my side, to make sure we were on the same page, to keep us joined. And so it was then that I chose, and this is what it looked like too a lot, is you know what, I'm really upset. You have nothing to do with it. And I'll talk to you about it after I calm down more. And it might not be till tomorrow. Or...
You didn't do anything to me. One of the tools that I use is called EFT tapping. And so I do tapping while we're talking. And so because it releases for me, it helps me calm down my nervous system. And he knows that. So we'll have a conversation and I'm tapping while we're having a conversation. And we're in a calm place. we're in a I'm in a calm place. He's in a calm place. And so we've learned to do that.
Think about how much more efficient your conversations are when you both are in a calm place, right? So working on that, preparing each other for a conversation, not letting your conversation start when it really shouldn't because one of you is not ready. Be aware of those situations because when you do then, but then you have to make sure you talk. You gotta be responsible in that regard, but when you do, it's gonna be so much more fruitful and so much easier to do, right?
So we do need you. We do need you guys, even if we look like we're pushing you away. And so we guys need to understand it and be there for them. Take the responsibility and be there for them. Number three is don't try to fix it. And I don't mean that ever, but I mean initially, most guys are wired to fix. I'm a contractor. It's all I do is fix. So when I come home and she's got an issue, I want to fix it right now.
because if it's a leaky pipe, you don't want water going everywhere, right? So you fix it now so there's no more damage. Well, it doesn't work that way all the time with people. So most of the time, the fixing will come with everything we just were talking about. The fixing times will come, but initially for us guys, we need to do that more often than not. And listen, you can back that up or follow that up by saying, hey,
It looks like you want to talk about something or she may say she wants to talk about something and she can literally say, I don't need you to say anything right now. Just listen, please. But when she starts talking, man, I used to finish sentences for her. I used to finish thoughts for her. used to finish life for her sometimes. Forget it. Just we need, I need, we need to be quiet, to listen and listen. Don't think about the answer. hear what she has to say, let her finish it.
Let her finish it. Then pause for a minute, take a breath, let her take a breath and then say, I have a couple thoughts. Do you want to hear them or not? Or we can talk about it later. It's something of that nature. Let her know. So let her know that you've been listening or say, hey, I listened to what you were just saying. I got a question about, you know, two things you said. Can you clarify? So let that happen.
because that's just breeding more communication bonding between the two of you and that's letting her know that you're there for her, right? What we were just talking about, you're paying attention and doing it right. So put the tools away initially and just listen, but let her know that when the time is right, you wanna fix it and I'll tell you, you can fix it. All this stuff fixes.
It's different in the end than it was in the beginning. You're going to look through life together through a different lens than you did initially. But man, life is beautiful through that lens because it's the life that you two are living together in a healed place and in a healing place. So understand that the fixing will come, but immediately don't go there unless she says, Hey, this is going on. Can you help me work out a couple of a solution or two? You know, let, and so women,
Let the conversations come from you so that we know where we are. And if we guys be open to her saying and women don't be afraid to say, hey, I want to tell you this, you're interrupting me. Can you just let me finish talking? So women don't be afraid to say that guys take it and be quiet. Don't don't feel attacked. Remember what I'm sharing with you right now and let her finish her thoughts and digest a little bit. And then you guys can.
talk about it. I've learned to really value his perspective
he sees things we don't necessarily see, he will remind us of things we've forgotten. You remember that the last seven times that you reached out, this is what the result was, or. And it will not change, so we need to navigate around that one. And she, virtually every time says, yeah, now that you say that, I remember that. Because she didn't remember that, or the feeling, the strong feeling of,
maybe one more time and it'll heal. You know, she's feeling that because who doesn't want those relationships or those situations to be healed up that aren't working right now and they may never again. But us saying, hey, it hasn't been, we need to shelf that right now will save a lot of heartache, I feel, right? Yeah.
So three things every husband must know if his wife was sexually abused.
Number one, it's not your fault. Number two, she needs you. And number three, don't try to fix it. There we are. So do you agree, disagree? We'd love to know. You can leave a comment. That would be awesome. Thumbs up. Share with someone. So what we'd like to do is share some of my art.
that kind of encapsulates.
So one of the things I'd like to show you is a four painting series that I created. I to see your face. Is this is how we feel sometimes, like so angry. And then, you know, we may have built bricks around us and some of them are coming off and it's a little bit sensitive and not easy to deal with. And then we feel like stuff just like throwing up because it's just so hard and there's so much in us, but.
by actually getting things out that's helpful too. And then this is the goal, right? Of just feeling at peace with myself. When I feel at peace with myself, we have more peace with each other. So I just wanted to share those paintings with you. And then we also wanted to share of resources.
One of them is our communication and connection workshop. is amazing. Like Tom said, we've worked with over 200 couples and it's every one of the comments that we get are the time went so fast. These tools are incredible. I love how practical it is. Thank you for being vulnerable so we can see how to improve our relationship.
We just had one a couple of weeks ago and it was awesome. And so check our website, teamdau.com for the next one and sign up. Cause I'm telling you, we had one of the couples that we just recently went through, it was married 27 years. And they, one of the things we taught, they're like, we never heard of this before. This is great. I love it. We're going to keep doing this and this. And then we found out a couple of days later, they already put one of the tools into work and it was phenomenal. yeah. And the other tool we have,
is for husbands. Do you want to explain what you created in your, her oak tree, her strength digital guide? He has over, I think it's 34 days where there is a topic that he brings up like responsibility or listening or understanding different things like that. It's, it's almost like an, an ebook, but the ebook has a video with each topic. So it's really cool because it's like one of those things where you look at it.
at the beginning of the day, for instance, and it says, hey, why don't you try this? And or be aware of this. And then there's a little video that describes it a little more. Under 60 seconds. I say little, yeah, it's not going to take up time. but each one of those little cards, for lack of a better term, is so powerful in what it allows you to do, because you're not looking at a whole ton of different things and trying to figure it all out. It's just one thing you look at and you think,
I could do that today when I get home from work and that would be awesome. And it's over a month's worth if you do one every day and you certainly don't have to. You can pick one and work on it for the week with your partner and with yourself, making it work. It's just a super, super cool hands-on tool that you can use over and over. It never gets old. It never wears out. So you can pull it up on your phone. You can go through it. There's a welcome thing. Here is all of...
The topics, strong, thanks, listen, guardian, her eyes, time. Let's go to time. You go to time and there is a reflection there and it says, let her know you like spending time with her. Tell her you love doing life with her. That's it. And then there's a video from Tom. The more you do something, the stronger and better you get at that thing. That is...
43 seconds. just expands on a little bit more. It's gold, you guys. is gold. It's so it's so puts tools in your pocket right now. That's what I was saying when we started this podcast, there are things you can literally do right now today that will start changing your relationship with her and your relationship with yourself, because that's just as important because we need to be strong in ourselves so that we can help her and help the two of us. Right. So if you want to do something right now,
That digital thing that she just held up. Interactive digital guide. I'm not the techie guy. But I'll tell you what, the information I have in there for you guys is killer good. Awesome. So just for husbands. So that's all for today. Until next time, this is Tom and Vicki embracing love and fostering hope. God bless you.
Vicki Dau (28:18)
Thank you very much for joining us on this episode of Reframing Life and Love. We hope you found the inspiration and actionable insights to enhance your relationship. Don't forget to subscribe for more empowering discussions. Until next time, this is Tom and Vicki. Embracing love, fostering hope.
